Trust

Have you ever done a "trust fall"?  Its where you close your eyes and just fall backward and a friend catches you.  Its supposed to build trust between people, just hoping that they actually catch you.  I have to admit that one time I didn't catch this girl and it was kind of embarrassing.  She happened to be my girlfriend.  But I'm not sure if she was my girlfriend at that point.  Random.

I've been thinking about trust today.  Its really hard for me to really, truly trust someone.  Its easy enough in the physical sense, like with the trust fall, but its much harder in the emotional sense.  See, I suppose I have about 3 different levels of trust:

Level 1: Acquaintance

At this level if you ask me how I'm doing, I will most likely say "fine" regardless of how I really feel.  If you ask me about personal things like who I'm dating, I might give you some vague information, like maybe some first names or how I'm feeling in general about dating.  But that's probably more level 1a stuff.

Level 2: Friend

At this level we've probably hung out at least a few times and I definitely call you my friend, rather than just someone I know from .... .  I'm more likely to tell you how I'm really doing--that or you'll just be able to tell that I'm not really "fine" and  you'll probably ask me how I'm really feeling.  If you asked me about my dating life, I would probably give a fair amount of detail, and be less general about feelings.

Level 2a: Good Friend

Either I live with you, have known you a long time, or see a lot of you.  We're definitely more than Facebook friends, and you are more of a confidante who I can approach and talk about things with, rather than just answer your small talk questions that you post on my Wall.  I go to you for advice and help, and have a fair amount of trust in you, but not enough to tell you everything about myself, my life, or my situation.

Level 3: Soul Mate

This person I have not yet met.  And by soul mate I don't necessarily mean an eternal companion--just someone I can bare my whole soul to without worrying what they'll think or say.  Someone who, no matter how stupid I am and regardless of the stupid things I do, will still love me for me and be my friend.  This is someone I really feel I can lean on in hard times, and who will depend on me when they are in hard times too.

I guess the point of this post is the fact that I've never trusted anyone up to Level 3.  I may tell people personal things or whatever, but there is no one that I share my whole self--my soul--with.  I guess thats what part of marriage is, but don't people have friends like this before marriage too?  Sometimes I just yearn to tell someone these things deep inside of me; I yearn to be understood.  Hmm.