where i am, now.

I am a little confused about things right now.  Things that I know, but don't understand.  Where to start?  Hmm, the beginning, I guess.

I've never doubted that God loved me.  I haven't always felt passionate about it or anything but I never really blamed him for anything, either.  Then I had a, well, life changing experience on my mission....

I was serving in Nottingham with Elder Graydon at the time.  One day we were on exchanges with the elders from Notts 4, and I was left in charge of our area and was paired with Elder Forsyth.  I was pretty nervous because up to that point I hadn't really ever had responsibility (or much of it) on my mission, spare a few other exchanges where I was the one left in my own area.  That evening, a Philipino member of the ward named Noli called, and asked us for a blessing.  We got the Bishop's permission and arranged to go to his home with the zone leaders later.  When we got there, he asked me to give the blessing; I did, and we tried to comfort him as best we could.  During the blessing, my phone started vibrating.  Then as we were talking to Noli afterwards, it vibrated (rang) again.  I of course didn't answer it but when I tried to call the number back, I got a message saying I couldn't dial international numbers.  This was confusing, as I didn't know of anyone who would be calling us from outside of the UK.

We got home and me and Elder Forsyth went to sum up the day and plan the next when the phone rang again--the international number.  I answered this time and was surprised to hear the voices of both of my parents.  The first thing I asked was "Are you supposed to be calling me?"  I innocently thought they just had a hankering to talk to me and had found my number somehow.  "Yes," they said, "we are.  When Sanni tried to wake up Jon this morning, he wouldn't wake up.  Jon has died."  I was dumbfounded, naturally, finding out that my brother had died unexpectedly when I was 4,700 miles away.  The thought of going home only crossed my mind once, and I dismissed it right away--I knew I was expected to stay, and that was what I had signed up for a year before when I received my mission call.  I cried a lot that night, as I continued to talk to my parents.  They told me all they knew and their plans to go home for the funeral.  We had no idea why Jon had died, or anything.  After I hung up, I numbly made my way up the stairs to the zone leaders' study and asked for a blessing.  They (Elders Donaldson & Morin, as well as Elder Forsyth) gave me a blessing of comfort, which was a good thing to have.  Then we talked a bit about Jon, the circumstances, and my family.  I still couldn't believe what was happening.  Luckily the conversation turned to more light-hearted things and I was able to just sit and allow myself to think a litte but also be distracted as things really started to sink in.  I would never see Jon again.  He left a wife and two beautiful young sons.  He was less-active.  What does that mean for his eternal future?  What am I going to do?  What can I do?  A little after midnight the conversation slowed and everyone else went to bed.  I stayed up a bit later and quietly prayed and sang two of my favourite hymns, "Nearer, My God, To Thee" and "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy" to myself before going to bed.

The next day we were allowed to sleep in a bit, and I was still feeling kind of numb.  I studied death and resurrection during my personal study and also got a call from Pres. Moffat to see how I was doing and to let me know he was thinking of me.  The zone leaders studied with us during companionship study and we had a really good discussion about life, its complexities, death, and the hereafter.  That day was one of the hardest of my mission.  I decided not to take it off, but to keep working, and I think that was one of the things that saved me.  Elder Forsyth and I met a great recent convert, Lisa, and went around inviting people to the open house we were having.  As long as I focused on that, I felt mostly ok...but at times my mind naturally drifted and focused on Jon instead.  Later that day, we switched back our companionships, and I found it very difficult to tell Elder Graydon all that had happened.  But once I did, he was very supportive, as were the sisters in the district (I still don't know how they found out the situation), the zone leaders, and President Moffat.

The next week when I checked my email, I found one that Jon had sent me about 24 hours before he died:

hey! up in the night with the kids - Just thought I'd say Hi really quickly - it's 4:32 aM here! I really want you to know that you're doing a great job!

Your message it righteous and true, but also remember that god has a plan for everybody - some people need the comfort that spirituality brings and the guideaince of the holy ghost right now, and yet many are not yet ready for the message (for a variety of reasons) ............. but every human being has god's light inside of them!

if they're not ready now, don't ever let that bother you! Simply see his wisdom, his glory, his perfection, his love, and his divinity in everybody, and everything, you come in contact with. That love and beauty will radiate and touch everybody around you - to each in different ways - but by cultivating that mentality, and following in his footsteps, you will touch many lives with your message. (and it sounds like you already have touched many!)

God is good - put everything you do and say in his hands, and he will show you and your investigators the way.
Love,
Jon - Sanni - Samuel & Christian

This message brought much needed comfort to me, as well as to my family when I shared it with them.  And still, when I read it now, I hear Jon's voice and feel like he is still sending me this message whenever I need it most.  This is the point I am trying to make--that at this time, perhaps the worst time of my life, I was truly guided by God and came to feel of his love through this experience.

A few months later I was reading in the Book of Mormon where it says: 

"This is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel, and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God, who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.  Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen." (Alma 26:36-37)

As I read that and pondered about it, I came to see how this had been true for me in this situation--how I was lost in a strange land, and yet God was mindful of me.  He gave me excellent companions to help me through my grief.  He provided amazing leadership in the mission to support me.  He gave me friends like Lisa to lift me up when I was down.  He gave us his Son that we might be together again with those we have lost.  In my email home that week, I wrote:

"I always knew that God loved me, but at that moment, I came to truly know for myself the great love and mercy that he has shown in my life.  Things arent going anywhere close to perfect for me, and they never will be.  But that is not what this life is about--its about learning, growing, and progressing.  And I realised in that instant that that was exactly what my loving Heavenly Father has allowed me to do in this time."

I will always treasure this as one of the most insightful and special experiences I have ever had.  However, here comes the downer, with as much honesty as I can muster.  I have been home for over 7 months now.  And when I look back at these amazing experiences and where I was last year at this time, I find that I am a different person.  I am older and wiser, to be sure, but in spirituality I have lost a lot of ground.  I've felt the downward slide about since school began, and I haven't been able to stop it.  There are good weeks and bad, but the general trend is downward.  And as I have slid (and experienced REAL post-mission life), questions have arisen to me which have no answers.  At least, they have no concrete answers, and the answers that I can find seem to depend on when they were given and by whom.  So that is why I say I'm confused about things that I know, but don't understand.  I know that God loves me!  But why this, then, and why me?

Disclaimers:

1) If you've read this whole thing, you deserve...well a hug or something.  I'll give it to you next time I see you.

2) No, I am not going "less-active." Or inactive (in the church).  I'm simply trying to express my feelings, and doing a horrible job at it.