Whats up in the Ends

The One Where I Come Out And Also Talk About The LDS Church

2011-07-18T16:41:00.000-06:00

I'm working on a new project right now. Its going to be a book. Nothing major, just compiling all of the emails I sent while on my mission. This is interesting, because just last weekend I went to my boyfriend's work party, which was at his boss' house. Turns out his boss lives next door to my mission president! (see my last post for more on said Mission President.) Anyway...

As I'm going through these emails, I read little snippets. A lot of it is "this week we taught So-and-so" or "so-and-so did/n't come to church this week" or "this week these annoying things happened." Looking back, I can remember a lot of good times but there is also a fair amount of pain. I spent two years in England, working 24/7 for the LDS church. Most weeks I spent at least 20 hours knocking on doors, as well as hours being stood up for teaching appointments, and other countless hours espousing Mormon doctrine to anyone who would listen.

Why is this painful? Its painful because I kind of hate the person I was back then. I was self-righteous and it shows. Its painful because I remember how I was so dedicated that I missed my own brother's funeral! What kind of church requires that of a person? Not only that, but what kind of person requires that of himself?? It is painful because I remember beating my brains out trying to be 100% obedient to gain the approval of God and my leaders. Its painful because I remember trying, praying, planning so desperately to get people to listen to me, and do the things I taught. Its painful because I remember those days where I was trying and praying so hard to be someone I thought God wanted me to be.

It is painful because I realize now, more than ever, how pointless those two years were in so many ways. I entrenched myself more than ever in a doctrine/church that teaches everyone that only perfection is good enough. The same church/doctrine also teaches that I, as a gay man, am less than a straight man. I am not meant to be this way and God is just having a good time watching me struggle through as a "test." He loves me though, according to this doctrine, and he'll be so happy if I just wait for His blessings and in the meantime slog through, hating myself for who I am. He (and the church) will only be happy with me if I spend the rest of my life being completely chaste and living as the church prescribes.

Within 6 months of returning to the US, I began to realize that the inclinations I had toward men were not going to go away. I started dating my first boyfriend about 8 months after getting home from my mission, and although that relationship had its issues, I experienced a greater connection with another person than I had ever had before, and which I had most definitely never experienced with a woman. That relationship only lasted a few months before both he and I tried once again to change ourselves in order to please god and to follow what His earthly servants wanted us to do. I confessed to my bishop, who was kind to me, although rather unhelpful. It felt good to talk to someone about my situation, but the feelings of self-loathing still continued and deepened. Not long after, I went to visit my brother's grave on the anniversary of his death; it was a cloudy, rainy day, and I went to the cemetery on my own. As I stood at my brother's grave and contemplated who he was and thought about what kind of advice he would give me in my situation, my depression cleared for a moment. Not too long, but long enough for a new thought to pierce the doctrine I was steeped in: god might want me the way I am, and things just might turn out ok. However, this was no epiphany, and the next few weeks I thought about death pretty often. I remember a specific time, driving back to Provo from Heber, and thinking how quickly I could end things by just driving off the road into a reservoir; when I got back to Provo that night I drove to the temple and just sat in my car freaking out and not knowing what to do.

After that semester finished, I took a 3 week trip back to the UK to visit my mission as well as other places I wanted to visit. Although I was staying with and visiting members of the church, I spent a lot of time on my own, and was able to see what its like to just be whoever and whatever I wanted, without the expectations that come along with being a returned missionary BYU student. When I returned home, I began to find a few friends that were supportive; it turned out that one of my coworkers was gay too. That summer was a great summer as I began to let myself live for myself and not for an organization. Not long after, I met my boyfriend, and our 2nd anniversary is coming up. I realized that life really is worth living, and that the LDS church doesn't have a monopoly on happiness. In the time since I have distanced myself from the church and its teachings; I am contemplating removing myself formally from the church, especially as I discover doctrinal and historical things about the church that I feel I should have known before sacrificing 2 years of my life to it. I feel betrayed by the church for these things, but that is perhaps the subject of another post some other time.

In the meantime I have come out to friends and family. Sometimes in the discussion that ensues, the recurring idea seems to be that I have not waited long enough for answers to my prayers and/or that I did not try hard enough to change. Although I'm sure this is meant in the best of ways, it is in reality very offensive. I prayed and tried for years to change...isn't that enough? What more would God want of me? 20 years before an answer comes, rather than the 10 or so that I tried and waited? I'm sorry, but I am not willing to believe that. The response from my family as a whole has been interesting. A couple of my brothers have been 100% supportive and I would even say that our relationship is better than ever since coming out to them. On the other hand, I used to be very close to one of my sisters and since I have told her it has been kind of rough for us. I've been happily surprised by another sister and how well and kindly she seems to be dealing with the shift in how I live my life. My parents found out in September 2009 (thats what this post was about). The roller coaster our relationship has been on since then is probably too recent to write about, but, thankfully, things do seem to be looking up.

I'm starting to feel like it won't be too much longer before I take the formal steps to remove myself from the LDS church. I have no problem with friends or family who remain within the church, but for who I am, my personal experiences with/relating to the church, and the life I intend to lead, I don't want to remain associated with the church, even if it is only on paper.

It is with all of this in mind that I am compiling these emails in an attempt to remember those two years of my life very well, and also to move on from them. Hindsight is a very interesting thing; I don't look back and only see the bad things, but also the good things. And from where I stand now, the future looks pretty great and I am very happy--I don't see any reason why that would change. To end this post on a positive note, here are some picture highlights of the last few years! :)

My boyfriend and I on the beach in Mexico

From the top of the Eiffel Tower

Skate skiing

In Mexico with friends

Letter to my mission president.

2010-12-20T22:59:00.002-07:00

Today I wrote a letter to my mission president. I had a pretty good mission and don't regret it, but there were a few things that kind of haunt me. I wrote this letter as a means of closure for me, and I haven't decided if I'll actually send it or not.

FYI, "tracting" is the Mormon term for when missionaries go door-to-door.

Let me know what you think, if I should send it, etc.

Dear President M.,

It has been about two and a half years since I returned home from my mission. I look back on those two years with fondness, and will never regret serving a mission. I appreciate the growth that I made personally during that time, as well as your contribution to it. However, there are several moments from my mission that I remember with such distinction that the same feelings I had at those times come back in full force—feelings like anxiety, trembling, and fear. From my personal experiences, I believe that these feelings were intentionally inflicted by you on your missionaries, as well as promoted as a form of “leadership” and copied by your assistants. The first two experiences I will describe are minor compared to the effect the third had on my mission and the effect it still has on my self-confidence.

The first such memory I have is from Burton-on-Trent. You and your wife came to visit for church one Sunday. We hurried and cleaned up our apartment, and went to church with you. Afterwards, you came to inspect our apartment. All was well until you opened our area book. You were disappointed, and rightly so—we had done a very poor job at keeping up the records that were supposed to be updated daily about our tracting and teaching activities. However, afterwards you rebuked us for at least 10 minutes, and seemed to feel that the sole reason we had not been baptizing by the hundreds was because we were poor record keepers. After you left, my companion and I felt like we had failed completely as missionaries as well as personally. You left us not uplifted and encouraged, but sad and dejected. Not long after you left, our zone leaders “dropped by.” Not only did they continue to rebuke us, but they also went through our personal things (even our scriptures) and went so far to ask if we were doing any missionary work at all. At this point I had been on my mission for approximately 6 months. While I admit whole-heartedly that we were poor record keepers and that we could have been working a little harder, I don’t believe this response was in any way helpful, and remember that day as one of the days where I felt I had little or no worth.

The second such instance happened a mere three or four months before the end of my mission. In the intervening time, I worked hard, had great companions, and was very successful. I trained a new missionary, became a District Leader, and then Zone Leader. Around February of 2008 you gave a talk about sin and repentance, based mostly on the teachings of Bruce R. McConkie (who may be partly to blame for this experience). After your talk, I became convinced that I needed to confess certain things to you from before my mission. When our regular interview came along, I determined to confess to you that before my mission I had viewed pornography. It came time, and I braced myself and told you. It soon became clear that you did not believe for one second that I was sincere or repentant, apparently because I was not showing enough emotion (doesn’t feeling like you want to die count?). And as if the embarrassment of discussing intimate and personal details of one’s life isn’t punishment enough, when I told you the steps I had taken to rid myself of this “sin,” such as fasting, praying, and abstaining, you scoffed. You even tauntingly said, “Elder Hansen, I don’t think you’ll be going home in June with your parents!” At this point my steely resolve to do the right thing finally broke down completely and was followed by gushing tears. This seemed to satisfy you, because you told me that we were done, forced me to pray aloud, and sent me out of the room. You later called me (again arousing feelings of anxiety and fear) to tell me that you had decided to let me stay on my mission. How gracious.

The third and most traumatizing experience was just two transfers before the end of my mission. You transferred me to the Forest of Dean, and my companion and I replaced the senior couple who had just finished their mission there. We were pumped and ready to go, as we had been told that around 15 people were practically waiting to be baptized there. We accepted the challenge, and got to work not only in our Zone Leader responsibilities but also in learning to navigate the Forest (a maze of country roads and villages, where houses are known by names rather than numbers) and—we hoped—baptizing all those people. We soon found out that all but a few of these investigators were only interested in being friends with the previous missionaries—not in the church at all. So, in the midst of determining who we should spend our time on (as well as driving all over southwest England for our Zone Leader responsibilities), I wrote one of the required weekly letters to you, explaining all that we’d done with the investigators who had been left for us, as well as our efforts to find new people, which had started to produce new, exciting results.

I was on an overnight exchange with the District Leader in Worcester when you called. Elder H. handed me the phone, and I said “hello?” During the next thirteen minutes (timed by the phone), I received the tongue-lashing of my life. This was no ordinary tongue-lashing; it was harsher than anything I’d ever been subjected to before, even worse than any from my own parents. You started out by asking how my zone was doing. I could tell by the tone of your voice that this was not a question you actually wanted an answer to. I gave a feeble but honest reply, and then you tore into me. I can’t recall the specific order of the things you said to me, but I do remember a couple parts:

“Elder Hansen, you have single-handedly destroyed Cheltenham Zone. Before you, it was a well oiled machine, and now you’ve managed to drive it into the ground.”

“When you went to the Forest, there were people waiting there for you to baptize. Now I get this letter from you, saying that you’re throwing away all of the [senior couple’s] investigators to go TRACTING. I think you’ve just given up on your missionary work!”

I will at least give you the benefit of the doubt that some of this was caused by misinformation. One of your assistants, Elder S., had never reported information about me in a good light (I know this from the time I lived with him in Nottingham), and perhaps that happened again this time. In his haste to please you and place the blame of low baptisms in the zone, he probably forgot to remind you that we were suffering from a short transfer (5 weeks instead of 6), in addition to General and Stake Conferences taking up two more Sundays, leaving only two weeks in that period where baptisms could occur.

Regardless of what you knew, the respect (and perhaps fear) I had for you at the time made those words really hurt. By the time you were finished berating me, my whole body was trembling. It was now past bedtime, so I went into the bedroom to say a prayer with Elder H. He asked me to pray, and I accepted; I was barely able to speak because my jaw was shaking so bad. Toward the end of my prayer, we once again heard your familiar ring tone on the phone. I answered, and you began speaking much kinder than you had just a few minutes before. You now said that I wasn’t so bad of a missionary and that perhaps you had been “a little harsh.” Because I trusted your opinion and the fervor of your previous phone call, this second call was pretty hard to believe. Luckily this call was much shorter—perhaps a minute or two—and soon I was able to privately plead with God in prayer to make me a better missionary. I promised to work harder, study better, and be stronger. I’m not sure how long I prayed, but I’m sure it was quite a while. Still, I felt no comfort, no answers, and no peace.

The next week was another round of interviews for our zone. During the period of instruction for all of the missionaries, you called Elder W. and I up in front of everyone, and asked us how things were going. We warily said that they were OK, but not great; you asked us what had happened the previous weekend, and we told everyone how we had set a baptism date with an investigator. You seemed to think that this was your doing, and told everyone with a laugh in your voice and a smile on your face that you had called me and “gotten me going” again or something. The funny thing about this is that the investigator who was to be baptized was found through tracting—the very method you were angry at me for focusing on.

It is now more than two and a half years after this last incident, and yet I am still affected by it. Whenever my boss calls or sends me an email, my heart races, and my palms start sweating; but I’ve realized that in the real world, superiors don’t treat their employees the way you treated me. In the real world, I am a person who has feelings and real worth, undiminished by others.

While I can’t say enough how grateful I am for most of the experiences I had on my mission and the way that they changed my life, I believe it is important for you to realize the massive impact you had on your missionaries, and not always in a good way. I have come to realize that the reason the mission baptized more people was not necessarily because of greater faith and work by the missionaries (although we can hope that played a part), but because of the severe pressure administered by you through your assistants. I will always wonder: your mission may have been successful by the numbers, but at what cost?

Sincerely,

Elder Hansen

EuroTrip 2010, Part Deux

2010-07-31T23:06:00.008-06:00

Continued...

Riding the Eurostar was great! Much less stressful than flying. Security is much simpler, with no restrictions on liquids. We got through security, had our passports checked and stamped by the French border police, and after a short wait, got on the train! We had luckily picked seats toward the back of the train, and got 4 seats to ourselves. In what felt like no time (but was actually just over 2 hours), we pulled into the Gare du Nord station in Paris. I was a little freaked out when we first got off the train with the language difference and all, but soon enough we'd gotten directions to our hotel and got on the Metro.

Let me just say right now that I love the Metro. Simple and easy to use! Even in French!

We got off at the Pyrenees station and walked only about a block to our hotel. It was a small, kind of run down hotel, but for us it was perfect. It had a real bed, and our own bathroom!! Yipee!!! It also had French doors that overlooked the street:

After freshening up, we went into the city center. Paris is beautiful! That night we saw the Notre Dame and the river Seine by moonlight. We ate dinner al fresco (of course). Jarrett had smoked fish, and I had the French version of bangers and mash. It was a sausage from a certain region in France (can't remember which) and mashed potatoes which were different because they were mashed extremely fine and mixed with garlic and cheese--very good. I have to say, we were really underdressed! It was a very nice evening, and we (stereotypically) wore shorts and flip flops. Boy were we stared at!! On the Metro ride home, this drunk guy started kind of freaking out and pointing at my legs and we realised he was surprised that I wasn't cold (even though the temperature was in the 70s).

Thursday morning we slept in a bit before heading into the city. We saw the inside of the Notre Dame, and after that walked through the city, going through the Luxembourg Gardens, H&M, Hôtel des Invalides, and finally to the Eiffel Tower. We relaxed for a while in the park next to the tower before going all the way to the top! It was a lot of lines and 2 elevators, but it was really cool. We were there basically at sunset, with great weather. On the way down, however, we ran into some horrible Americans. They got off the elevator at the top, but didn't even go up the last set of stairs to go outside! They looked out of the windows and then cut into the line to get on the elevator back down. Lame! But we had a great time :)

Afterwards, we went back to the hotel to change into more "night-appropriate" clothes--no more stares! We went to dinner at a cool little restaurant called Le Gai Moulin (recommended by Lonely Planet). It had a great atmosphere and really good food. I got beef bourguignon (like in Julie & Julia) and it was really good. After dinner, we decided that we wanted to see the Arc de Triomphe, and decided we'd just walk there so that we could see more of the city. I'm not really sure that that was a good idea!!! Our feet hurt SO bad. But, on the way we got to see the Louvre (just the outside--we saved the inside for next time), the Tuileries Garden, and most of the walk was down the Avenue des Champs-Elysees.

We finally got to the Arc, and it was really beautiful, all lit up in the dark. We took pictures, rested for a bit, then headed for the Metro to go back to the hotel. HOWEVER, it was closed!!! This is one problem with Paris--there seems to be a complete lack of clocks in public places, and since our phones weren't operational, we didn't carry them with us. When we finally found out the time, it was something like 1:30am! The other problem is that everything stays open so late--restaurants are open til 12:30ish--that its hard to gauge the time. At any rate, we found a taxi and somehow communicated that we needed to be dropped off near the Pyrenees metro station. This took a little work, but we did it! Unfortunately that ride was 20 Euros, but it was worth it to get back to the hotel. There was NO way we could have walked.

On Friday, we got up, got breakfast at the bakery by our hotel (can I say delicious??) and took the train to...Versailles! Versailles is a nice town, and the famous French palace is located there. We got there at about 11 and stayed until about 7:30--and could have stayed longer! It is so huge, and so much to see. We really loved it. Everything is ornate and covered in gold, it seemed like. The gardens were also very pretty, and we got to see the Petit Trianon, Grand Trianon (2 smaller palaces in the grounds of the main palace) as well as Marie Antoinette's Hameau, the little model village she had built. That was probably my favorite part, as it was so picturesque around a lake, with farm animals and everything.

We rode the train back into Paris (which was a nice rest for our feet!) and got some REALLY good ice cream after we got back. Then we went to a Turkish restaurant on our way back to the hotel. It was in a very international part of the city. Dinner was great but boy were we tired! We headed back to the hotel and got ready to leave the next morning.

Saturday morning we finished packing, checked out of the hotel, and took the train to the airport. We hoped to get onto the direct flight between Paris and SLC, but no luck--completely full! We then were bumped to the Paris-->Philadelphia flight, but again no luck. We started thinking this would be a repeat of trying to get out of SLC when we got seats on a flight to Atlanta--in Business class! We could not believe our luck, and were so excited to at least get a plane back to the states. It was so nice to fly business, too, as I never had before. We got to board the plane first; they took our coats for us and hung them up; we had amenity bags with socks, a sleeping mask, chapstick, lotion, etc. We also got real pillows and down comforters instead of the normal crappy airline blankets! Oh, there was also plenty of juice to go around before everyone else got on the plane. In-flight entertainment was great: we could choose what movie we wanted to watch and when, as well as tv shows and music. The food was great too--3 course meals! I'm not sure if business/first class is worth the extra money you normally have to pay, but it sure was nice lucking out on those seats! :)

When we got to Atlanta, we couldn't get on the last flight of the night to SLC, so once again we got a hotel. Luckily hotels are much cheaper in Atlanta--we stayed at a Super8 for "only" $50. We got some sleep, which was nice, because the next 2 days were a nightmare!! We went back to the airport at 6:30 in the morning. We tried to get on 4 flights in a row to SLC, but to no avail, and the standby list just kept growing and growing--with us at the bottom. Then we tried twice to get to SLC via Houston, but that didn't work either! Finally we got on a flight that evening to Sacramento. We arrived around 10pm, completely exhausted and feeling nauseous from stress and lack of sleep. We were scheduled to leave on a flight the next morning, but after checking with the airline staff, it looked like we wouldn't actually get off the ground until 6pm the next evening. Now it was time for desperate measures because it was Sunday night and we both needed to get to work the next day. So we bit the bullet and rented a car--and DROVE FROM SACRAMENTO TO SLC! Let me recap: flew from Paris to Atlanta to Sacramento and drove to SLC. This process may have been the longest 3 days of my life, haha. Anywho, we were out of there by 11:30pm and on our way north. We switched on and off driving, but it was tough! I was so tired I started seeing things pop up in the road (such as animals and an old lady). At that point, we switched drivers.

We were almost to SLC the next day when I got pulled over by the highway patrol in Tooele. The officer acted like he pulled me over for speed, but asked us about what was in our trunk and stuff. Then he even had me come back to his car with him. It was only later that I realised that we had been profiled as drug traffickers and that was the real reason he pulled us over. He asked me to get in his car because his dog was in the back and it would have gone crazy if it smelled drugs on me. Still, he grilled me again about where we were from, where we had been, what we had been doing, what was in the car, how I knew Jarrett, when/where I met him, and how long I'd known him! Talk about the grilling of a lifetime. Still, he let me go without even an official warning.

We made it back into town around 10am, and we both went straight to work. It was a crazy trip, but a good one!!!

EuroTrip 2010, Part 1

2010-06-14T22:14:00.004-06:00

A couple months ago, my friend Eric said I could use his Delta Airlines buddy pass. Eric works for Delta, and as a perk, he gets a number of these passes to give out to friends every year. Contrary to popular belief, travel on these passes is not free; however it is only a fraction of the cost were you to fly the same trip as a regular, paying passenger.

Eric told me all about the potential hazards and annoyances about traveling on a buddy pass (especially in the short amount of time I had), but Jarrett and I decided to take a chance and go. We narrowed our choices down to Mexico or Europe. We have both been to Mexico (though not really--Ensenada is barely south of the border), so we decided on Europe.

We left my apartment Thursday night, May 13th. We first attempted to get on the red-eye flight to NYC which left at 11:45pm--no luck. You see, traveling on a buddy pass means you are at the end of the standby line, which often times is exceptionally long. Any regular passenger or crew member automatically goes before you on the list, no matter how long you've been waiting. Basically, you have to pray that a flight gets cancelled or some people wake up late.

We decided to stay at the airport and wait for the next flight to NYC, leaving around 8am the next morning. We didn't want to find a way home (we'd been dropped off) or pay for a taxi, so we slept a couple uncomfortable hours on the floor of the terminal. Then...surprise...we didn't get on the next flight! In fact, we didn't get on the next 3! It is a frustrating thing, to hope and hope and hope that you'll get on a flight, only to see the plane leave without you (Eric warned us!). In the afternoon, we switched to the direct flight from SLC to Paris, on which there were supposedly a lot of free seats. But, once again, the plane was full (overbooked, actually). Right as this plane started boarding, I checked with the plane going to NYC at the same time, and it had seats! We quickly ran over to the other terminal and the gate agent was nice enough to help us change our tickets onto that flight.

After a long flight, we landed at JFK airport around midnight. Man, was it humid there! Jarrett and I were ready to kill for a shower and real bed, but instead we just paid for it! We found the cheapest airport hotel we could ($110) and hopped on the shuttle to get there. Man, was this place ghetto! Our room was clean though and thats all we really cared about. Some girl that arrived with us freaked out and started balling because her room smelled like pot, but we had better luck I guess. The next morning we slept in a bit, ate our free breakfast, and then set off on the town with Eric (who lives pretty close to the airport/hotel). He showed us around the subway system, Times Square, the LDS temple, the Plaza (former) Hotel, Central Park, etc. It was pretty cool. Soon enough, we had to get back to the airport to try some more flights to get to London. Miracle of miracles, we got on the first flight we tried! We left JFK around 7pm and were on our way to London. Somehow, Jarrett and I even got to sit together.

We arrived in London around 8am, exhausted but excited. First off we decided to find a place to stay. We had checked out some places beforehand online, but couldn't make a reservation because we weren't sure when we'd get there. The first place we tried was the Green Man pub on Edgware Road--our first hostel. They had space, and we were able to leave our luggage there whilst we went off for the day. We mostly went shopping on Oxford Street that day, which was a good choice because it rained a fair amount. We did a bit of general sight seeing though, and saw Trafalgar Square, Picadilly Circus, and Leicester Square. By 6:30pm we were absolutely pooped so we made our way back to the hostel and fell asleep by about 8! Our beds were bunk beds, but they were clean, and the dorm-style room was pretty quiet. The hostel was a pretty good choice--it was about $45 for 2 nights, and it was in a good location.

On Monday, we slept in a bit (badly needed) before heading out. We decided to splurge and do the Tower of London, which cost a cool £18. Having spent so much to get in, we spent most of the day there. It was a pretty cool place, and we had good weather so it was really enjoyable. We saw the crown jewels, as well as what we liked to call the "ghetto crowns"--the old royal crowns and other jewelry whose jewels had been taken to create the current crown jewels, leaving ghost-like crowns. We also saw various other exhibits, including the old royal apartments of Jarrett's ancestor, King Edward I.

After the Tower, we strolled across Tower Bridge (often confused with London Bridge). Then we enjoyed walking along the banks of the Thames, down to London Bridge. I was excited to show Jarrett just how not-cool London Bridge is, since the old one was shipped to Arizona. Still, we walked across it (crossing the Thames is always a pleasure, no matter the bridge or mode of transportation). We then went up to St. Paul's cathedral (where Princess Di and Prince Charles got married). It wasn't open for tours, but we got to sit in on a bit of the evening service, which got us into the cathedral for free! Its very beautiful. After this, we ate dinner at a "traditional" pub. We were both disappointed when Jarrett's first Fish 'n' Chips tasted rather dreadful. After dinner, we took a gander through Hyde and Green Parks and over to Buckingham Palace/the Victoria Monument, then continued through St. James' park and into the area of the city that houses most of the government ministries. I have to say, Westminster Palace (Houses of Parliament) are very beautiful in the early evening/night.

After strolling along the river, we decided to head back to the hostel. Before we called it a night, we got some pizza from Domino's (very British, I know). Unfortunately, by the time we got back, someone had fallen asleep in my bed! Instead of waking him up, the hostel just switched me to a different one.

Tuesday, we woke up early (well...I did...Jarrett slept in), fetched our rental car from the place next door to the hostel, and headed out to the country! We got the cheapest car possible, which ended up being a Smart Car! It's always been a dream of mine to drive one, although I must say that desire has been satiated. When I first got in the car, I was unsure how it worked and almost crashed into the rental agency! Once I got the hang of it, it was OK. We drove out of London, and up to the coolest country mansion, Chatsworth. This is "Pemberley" from the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice, and was also featured in another of her films, The Duchess. There weren't too many people there, and we were able to enjoy the home fully. We had amazing weather, and so we also got to enjoy the grounds and fountains! This is really one of the most beautiful settings I've ever experienced.

After our time at Chatsworth, we drove over to Nottingham to see my friend Lisa Hayes. She and her boyfriend made us a DELICIOUS roast dinner. Let me just say that it was good enough to get Jarrett to admit that British food can actually be amazingly scrumptious! We hung out with Lisa that night, as well as took a walk around Bulwell (the part of Nottingham she lives in, as well as the part that I spent a large part of my mission in) and did some chocolate shopping at Tesco :)

We left Nottingham at 6:30am and drove back to London. Even though we returned the car a little late and less than full on gas, it still only cost 39! We had a few hours to kill before our train to Paris, so we went on over to Westminster Abbey, and had a great time. Its a very beautiful place, full of history and interesting bits and bobs. My favourite part was definitely the ceiling of the lady chapel:

After this, we went to the train station, and hopped on the train to Paris!

...To be continued...

Prince for a day

2010-05-30T09:26:00.003-06:00

As some of you may know, Jarrett and I recently embarked on a trip (pretty much) around the world. I'll post about all that soon.

This post is about something else--a coronation.

The other night I had this AMAZING dream. You know, a dream that just goes above and beyond all other dreams.

The dream began outside a cathedral. Jarrett and I were standing there, waiting, dressed in our best, at the beginning of a line of people. It turned out we were waiting for Michelle Obama (not really sure how she fits into all this...but I'm glad Barack wasn't there). Once Michelle showed up, we all walked towards the cathedral doors, and they opened for us. We then began to make our way up the aisle in a formal fashion, nodding at people on both sides of the aisle as we went. The whole time, I just felt so happy!! Unfortunately, the dream ended there (I think my happiness woke me up), before I could find out whose coronation we were at. But I'll just continue the dream, and believe it was me. :D

Yeah, my life is average.

2010-04-21T10:34:00.002-06:00

I'm going to start off-topic because I'm sitting at work, and its kind of been a dreary day--but now its thundering outside! Having grown up in Iowa, its one of the things I miss most now that I live in Utah. This is the first time I've heard thunder here in at least a year but probably much longer. Something about thunder is just very calming to me...maybe its the reminder that there is something bigger than me out there. :)

A couple weekends ago, my dad came to visit. It was fun: we looked at cars together, went out to eat a few times, and I even cooked the rosemary cream filet mignon for him (he enjoyed it). Before my dad came over that night and while I was cooking, I plugged in my iPod and kind of let myself go, singing along. I had a grand old time. Later that night I went downstairs to my brother's house to give them my rent. While we were talking, my sister-in-law asked "who was singing up in your apartment this afternoon?? It was SO loud! All I could think was that whoever it was should not try out for American Idol!" Embarassed, I then admitted that it had been me.

This experience, plus the coincidental post my friend Eliza made on her blog about her life being average, made me realise that yeah...my life is pretty average too.

Now, I've never really thought that I was an amazing singer. I don't have my own fan page on Facebook and I'm not trying to make any record deals or anything like that. But having someone say outright that I was not a good singer--that was a definite ego-crusher. And then I realised, "wow, I really am rather average." In high school I knew that I'd probably never make any money singing, but still, I got into the intensely-competitive All-State choir 2 years in a row, got high scores in other singing contests, and my choir teacher loved me. I got a couple solos in my first musical in 10th grade, and a lead role in South Pacific my senior year. All of these things made me feel pretty good about myself. Not in a boastful way--but just knowing that I was pretty good at something. Since high school, the only choir I've really been in was Scandinavian choir at BYU my freshman year. And yes, it was almost as ridiculous as it sounds. I liked the songs, but we weren't that good of a choir. After that, I sang in some quartets (and one accidental solo) on my mission.

So, it was quite a shock for me to realise that really, my voice is absolutely nothing special. I think it had been coming on for a while, but then it really hit me. And...thats ok. The funny thing, however, is how in high school, students are always told "you're great!" "good job!" "wow!" sometimes with stickers that match. But in reality? We're just average. I was ok at singing, because I tried harder than other people. I got good grades, but I'm no genius. I'm not ugly, but I'm no model. I'm not poor, but I'm most definitely not rich.

So, in conclusion, we should all be happy to be average. And who knows what average really means? Its rather open to interpretation. And, whatever average is, its not so bad. Everyone's a little bit average (cue Avenue Q music): even celebrities are average (I know, big shocker)--they may have tons of money or some mad singing/acting skills, but they sure suck at other things. Like dancing, for example. Or being a famous leader.

Thus, I'm kind of happy to be average--because it doesn't mean anything!

My Joy of Cooking

2010-03-14T11:56:00.000-06:00

Recently, Jarrett and I have taken to having friends over once every week or two for dinner. Its a lot of fun to have people over, but also to eat good food. Its funny to think about now, because when Jarrett and I first started cooking together last summer, the results were somewhere around mediocre. I believe our first meal was pasta salad. Like I said...it was something mediocre. Definitely edible--but less than gourmet.

Our cooking largely took a break once I moved into Old Mill. The kitchen there was...undesirable. So, once I started staying at my new place in SLC, we bumped things up a notch. We've done things like:
--Lemon Chicken Broccoli Casserole
--Spaghetti and Meatballs
--Sausage Pasta Bake
--Taco Soup
--Homemade Chicken Alfredo
--Stuffed Shells
--Manicotti

The most recent addition to this list was the creme de la creme. It was.... drum-roll....

Filet Mignon with a Rosemary Cream Sauce! This was accompanied by rosemary roasted potatoes, a fresh garden salad with Gorgonzola cheese, and French bread. I'll post the recipes at the end of this entry.

I'm happy to say that this dinner was really easy! It takes a little prep time, mostly with the potatoes and also if you're chopping up fresh rosemary. But still, its not bad.

There are 2 especially great things about all of this: I feel like I've gained a lot of experience cooking, and thus become a better cook. Its really not that hard (surprisingly enough). Cooking is something that I've simply never taken the time to become good at, but when you do, you experience immediate gratification and satisfaction. Every time I cook something nice, I feel like I've accomplished something. Its a nice feeling--especially after working 8 hours in a pretty monotonous job. The other great thing is that you can do it with/for friends. Jarrett and I have made it an opportunity to invite small groups (2-3 people) over for dinner; we get to know them better and we all get good food and some good conversation too.

So, although I'm no Julia Child or Julie Powell, I have to say that cooking is fun. I have yet to master the art of French Cooking (ugh, the French), but maybe one day I'll get there.

Now, to start you on your way to deliciousness, try out our best dinner so far! The following recipes are great with salad and some bread.

FILET MIGNON WITH ROSEMARY CREAM

4 beef tenderloin filets (or medallions) 1 1/2" thick
4 tbsp. olive oil
3/4 cup dry white wine (we used a Riesling, and it worked quite well)
1/2 cup whipping cream
1 1/2 tbsp. fresh rosemary, chopped (can be substituted with dry rosemary)
1 tsp. corn starch or flour
salt & pepper to taste

Heat the olive oil in a pan, then cook the filets first one side until a nice brownish color is obtained, then turn them and do the same to the other side, sprinkling salt, pepper and part of the chopped rosemary over them. Turn them again, add the flavoring, then take them out of the pan and briefly set them aside.

In the same pan and without shutting down the heat (or draining the pan), add most of the wine and the remaining rosemary. Dissolve the flour/cornstarch into the remaining wine and add it along with the cream to the pan. Continue revolving until the sauce thickens. Return the filets to the pan, covering them with the sauce. Serve immediately.
(Adapted from www.cooks.com)

ROSEMARY ROASTED POTATOES

Ingredients
1 1/2 pounds small red or white-skinned potatoes (or a mixture)
1/8 cup good olive oil
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoons minced garlic (3 cloves)
2 tablespoons minced fresh rosemary leaves

Directions
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Cut the potatoes in half or quarters and place in a bowl with the olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic and rosemary; toss until the potatoes are well coated. Dump the potatoes on a baking sheet or casserole dish and spread out into 1 layer; roast in the oven for at least 1 hour, or until browned and crisp. Flip twice with a spatula during cooking to ensure even browning.

Remove the potatoes from the oven, season to taste, and serve.
(recipe courtesy Ina Garten, www.foodnetwork.com)
*A few notes about this recipe: I prefer to use a casserole dish because it has high sides and is thus easy to flip potatoes in. Also, I make sure the whole bottom of the dish is covered with a layer of oil to help the roasting. :)

Hopefully this doesn't turn into a cooking blog, but I'll try and post my favourite recipes in the future. If anyone wants a recipe for one of the previously mentioned meals, let me know!

Moving on

2009-11-16T21:44:00.004-07:00

It has been just over one month since I last wrote--I consider this an accomplishment.

In the last month, I've mostly been doing the normal--school and work. However, I have also been working on a new apartment and a new job!

First, the job. Currently I have an amazing job at BYU teaching software classes to students, staff, faculty, etc. I've been there for pretty much a year and I've loved it all. When I got the job, I kinda knew PowerPoint, Word, and Excel, and had dabbled in Photoshop and InDesign. NOW I know Access, PowerPoint, Word, Excel, OneNote, Outlook, Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign, Qualtrics, etc. So it has been a rewarding year as far as work skills go.

As much as I love my job, I have been planning on moving up to Salt Lake City for a while now. This was scary, because with the current economy, I wasn't sure how quickly I would find a job--but find one I did!

A week ago (ish), I was surfing Monster.com and randomly found this position open at a place called Coventry Healthcare. It was the position of "Credentialing Associate." I had no idea what this was, but I met the requirements, so I applied. The next day I got a call, and an interview was set up for Tuesday. On Tuesday I traveled up to their office in West Valley (part of SLC) and had my interview. I thought it went pretty well, but at the same time a few things scared me:

1) I did OK on the typing test, but on the 10-key typing test I thought I did horribly.

2) I didn't see any men there the whole time I was there (2 hours!).

3) At certain points I just wondered whether the people who interviewed me (3 separate people) were interested in what I had to offer.

I felt a touch sad after leaving, thinking about the long road ahead to find a new job. When I got back to Provo I went to DI to look for a couple things. And, surprise! I got a phone call, offering me the position! I readily accepted and was pleased to know I will make a bit more than I currently make, but will be working full-time, and will have full benefits. I couldn't believe it--a great full-time job and November wasn't even half over. Another great thing is that I don't start til January 4, so I can still go home for Christmas!

Now on to the apartment...

My brother Chris and his wife Di bought a new place, and it has a "mother-in-law" apartment attached (meaning an apartment with a separate entrance). They offered to have me rent it from them and I thought that would be cool--especially after I took a look at it. Here's a pic of the front of the house (I have the 2nd level):

Anywho, it wasn't furnished, so I quickly set to the task of doing that, which was pretty fun. I got most of my stuff from IKEA, and it was way cheap! I won't bore you with the details. My couches, however, are not from IKEA. I found them on ksl.com (a local site with classifieds). They were originally advertised at $150 and I got them for $120. This is good because they were in much more of a mess when I saw them in person than they looked online (of course). They are brown microfiber, which turned out to be extraordinarily easy to clean. Jarrett and I spot-cleaned all of the cushions, used some spray and wash (there were gross stains...baby juice, wax, food, markers, etc), and put the cushion covers in the washing machine. They turned out great! Anyway I can't wait to move there officially cuz its awesome!

my new bed and comforter.

the little nook in the living room wall. i like it.

the couches--restored to original glory!

kitchen table with first home-made meal!

Thus, it has been a kind of crazy month, but a good one. I'm looking forward to the end of the semester, moving to SLC, going home for Christmas and--oh yeah, I'm going on another cruise in January! It was super cheap so a huge group of friends are going. It'll be great!

Another day, another month.

2009-10-14T21:29:00.002-06:00

Time really flies too fast. But at the same time, I'm not the best at time management. I wonder how much I would have accomplished right now if I always managed my time effectively. Even just managing my weekday time effectively. Hmm. Kind of depressing!

The last month has been mostly dominated by 3 things: health, dog-sitting, and school.

Health:

I was sick for a few weeks with a fever, aches, and headaches. Lame. I also visited the Student Health Center for a couple routine things and ended up having my blood pressure medication changed, and my blood drawn. I'm glad my medication was changed--this new one actually helps my blood pressure stay down and it doesn't affect my heart/physical activity. yay! I got my blood drawn cuz I had these funny pink dots on my ankles and my doctor wanted to make sure it wasn't some disease with blood vessels. Anyway the results came back and apparently I don't have that disease, but my blood iron levels were extremely high (3x the normal amount) so this morning I went in for a retest. The results should be back in a week. We shall see!!

Dog-sitting:

My brother Chris and his wife Di have taken 2 trips out of town and I've taken care of their dogs and cat for them. The first stint was like Thursday-Monday and was perfect because I didn't have school that Monday. This last time, however, was 3 weeks. First off, let me say the pros:

1) House to myself

2) Live in SLC/get out of Provo

3) Constant companionship of dogs and cat (very adorable)

cons:

1) Live in SLC, work and study in Provo (commute = not cool)

2) Constant companionship of dogs and cat (very needy)

All in all, I'm glad I did it. It certainly made time go faster! And I got some great use out of my UTA pass. I love riding TRAX (Utah's light-rail system)--it reminds me of Europe and the tram in Nottingham. I also love those dogs and that cat. It was also good because I got to see how much work it is to have pets. I probably won't ever have a dog as a pet, but I might have a cat. Especially if its like my brothers'--it just comes inside to eat and cuddle but otherwise stays outside. I also enjoyed the use of a huge flat screen tv, surround sound, and Netflix. There is one somewhat humourous story I would like to share. It is about Duncan. A dog. A yellow lab to be precise.

One night I went to a BBQ with some friends. When I got back home (to my brother's) Duncan ran over to the door to say hi. He then started gagging like crazy. This was followed by quite a lot of barf. To make a long story short, Duncan barfed from when I got home til about 1:30 in the morning. Towards the end he was just gagging, but he was obviously not feeling well. Having seen the movie "Marley & Me," I was scared that his stomach had flipped or something, which is life-threatening. After a couple calls to the vet, I took him in. Yes, I took him in, at 1:30am. The vet and his technicians were nice and helpful. Poor Dunc knew what was coming as soon as he saw the technician take out the "silver bullet" (thermometer). They took x-rays and gave him a shot for nausea and then sent us home. Duncan was more or less fine after that, although the gagging persisted a bit through the next day. However, he was able to eat and keep things down. A few days later I discovered the culprit of the whole problem in the back yard--it was a strangely shaped poo. Upon slightly closer examination and after use of the garden hose, I discovered that it was a sock!! Duncan had eaten one of my socks, digested it whole, and pooped it out. Ah, what a dog.

School:

School is going fine. Busy as ever. Midterms, assignments, reading, tests, quizzes, labs....it goes on and on. I'm afraid it will never end. I'm not quite seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet...maybe someday.

A personal accomplishment: mastering Access!!

Access is a very complex program that is part of the Microsoft Office Suite. We teach it at work and over the summer til now I've been slowly learning how to use it. Well, it is really starting to make sense!! Yay! I've taught 2 Access classes...and am teaching another tomorrow. Also teaching/assisting 4 more over the next two weeks. So, its lookin pretty good :)

Other news:

1) Sarah (my sister) is prego with TWINS!! I'm really surprised and excited (especially since I don't have to take care of them!

2) I took a little foray into Southern Utah this weekend with friends, and it was lots of fun. A highlight was visiting Colorado City, Arizona. For those of you who don't know, it is the home of Warren Jeffs, the FLDS leader. It was an interesting (but kinda creepy) city.

Well I think I'll quit for now. Let me just say that I am grateful for my many great friends and family. I couldn't do it without them!!

The Climb

2009-09-02T21:21:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was kind of monumental. For personal reasons. But so was today.

Yesterday, I went with my mom to Salt Lake to drop her off with friends when the car started shaking like CRAZY! We pulled off and it turned out that one of the back tyres' tread was ripping apart. So, we drove about 25 mph to a Walmart and got it fixed. This was lucky (that we could get it fixed right away) but instead of getting home around 8, I got home around 10:30.

Today, I finally got my schedule figured out. I'll still only be taking 13 credits, but thats better than the 12 I had originally planned, which was kind of like 8. So now I'm taking:

D&C

Comparative Politics

Geography of Europe

Spanish 101

Folk Dance Performance (team)

This may be slightly embarassing, but I've come to like Miley Cyrus' song, "The Climb," and feel its applicable at the moment.

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The Joys of Summer!

2009-07-21T22:30:00.011-06:00

It has been a good summer so far! I've travelled and relaxed, worked and made new friends. I'll try to make this recap both quick and enjoyable (as well as informative).

Mexico Cruise 2009

Me and 2 friends from work (Jesse and Paul) went on a cruise at the end of June. We left after work on Wednesday, drove through the night to San Diego, and parked to sleep for a couple hours and to wait for the sun to come up. We started out at some beach that was kinda nice but not really a good one as far as fluffy sand goes. So then I became the designated driver and began going south. We stopped off at the San Diego temple before finding a beach to chill out on. The only problem was that Jesse and Paul decided to go to sleep in the car and let me find the beach on my own. Me. The guy who'd never even been to California before, let alone San Diego. NEVERTHELESS, I found Pacific/Mission Beaches for us. Yes, I did. Paul and Jesse were still sleeping so I took a walk along the beach for a while by myself and it was really nice. It was cloudy but thats ok.

We spent a few hours at the beach playing in the sand and looking around the shops before going to the cruise ship. Your cruise starts right when you get on the ship, so we got on about 4 or 5 hours before we actually left port. We dropped off our luggage (they take it to your room for you) and went up and started pigging out. You can have as much as you want to eat, 24 hours/day! Free room service, plus the pizzeria is open 24 hours a day, plus theres a couple buffets always going on, plus the meals that are actually served to you in the dining rooms!

Theres also shows, swimming, laying out, sleeping, etc. And the service on the ship is great. We spent one day in Ensenada, Mexico. We purchased an excursion to go to a beachside resort in nearby Rosarito and it was well worth it. We basically chilled on the white-sand beach eating cheap authentic Mexican food in our speedos. Oh yes, the Speedos. We all decided to be a bit crazy and get speedos for our trip-- so we had lots of fun with them! Tee hee. Mine had a Mexican flag on it! It was very popular with locals and tourists alike. Below are a couple samples.

It was a fantastic trip and we ended up with this great view of San Diego harbour as we came in:

Cabin Trips!

I've been lucky enough to go to my mom's family's cabin several times this summer. Its in Christmas Meadows in the middle of the Uintah mountains. I LOVE it there!!! Here are a few picture highlights:

And one video of my best friend Paul dressed up and silly:

Harry Potter Premiere

So a bunch of us from work decided to go to the midnight showing of the new Harry Potter movie, but instead of dressing as Harry Potter characters, we dressed as anything BUT. I decided to wear the kilt I bought in Scotland. I know its kinda like Harry Potter, but I figured I won't have too much chance to wear it so wear it I did.

SO, it has been a pretty good summer so far! Theres still plenty of excitement in store: a trip back home and who knows what else!

From 18-year-old Dave

2009-07-08T21:09:00.003-06:00

Dear Future me, 5/26/05

Whats up? Hopefully your mission and school went well, really well. Don't get married yet! Wait a couple more years. As I've said so many times before, I think I'll major in International Relations and get an International law degree after that before becoming a Foreign Service Officer. How are those plans?

This is my last day of high school. EVER. It is frightening, but exciting, but more unusual and frightening. I don't really know how to explain without using cliches. It doesn't feel like the end. It feels as if I'll still come to school tomorrow. I suppose that is how it feels every year, but this year is so different. Well a lot of things happened this last year--I got turned loose in Finland and got to examine my beliefs; All-State for the 2nd year, first make-out and french kisses; tough time working with Ahmet; messing up with Sarah and dating Suzanne. Better (best) friends with Amanda and better with others like Nic and Joslyn and kayla. Had an awesome time in Figments and South Pacific--sang 2 solos. I'm the senior speaker at commencement--so soon!!! (3 days) Oh and lots of trouble with Mom and Dad over scholarships, money, Ahmet and the fact that they are old and its hard for them to understand me.

I don't know that I'm ready to move on--I guess I'll have to be. Its just part of growing up. Man I'll miss this place and these people.

Sorry my writing is so bad--I cut my right index finger on a weed last night so it hurts to write with it.

I guess that overall I'm pretty scared for this "graduation" (oh, no wonder its called graduation!), but almost just as excited.

We'll see what happens--do something great!

--David Patterson Hansen

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2009-06-19T10:14:00.002-06:00

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Reflections (corny, i know)

2009-06-15T11:35:00.003-06:00

I'm from Iowa so I can say anything corny, right? Thats what I figure anyway.

My new favourite quote is this: "The only life worth living is one you're passionate about." Its from a new tv show called "Glee."

When I was on my trip, it was amazing to get out of the "bubble" that is Utah County/Provo/BYU. To be treated as regular person, without any assumptions about me or my character, was amazing and SO refreshing. When I met people, I was Dave Hansen. Not Dave Hansen the Mormon. Not Dave Hansen the RM. Most random people that I met were just people in shops or whatever--but the experience was naturally quite different from my mission, as I wasn't wearing a white shirt, tie, and nametag. Even people who knew that I had been a missionary there didn't really let that affect their perception of me. I was/am who I am and that's all. It was no big deal--I was accepted for whoever I was.

In Provo (or maybe the church in general) I feel so much pressure to live up to what I've done. I'm an RM. I had a successful mission. I was Ward Clerk in my last ward. I go to BYU. Blah, blah blah. When I was on my trip, all those pressures were gone. It was a feeling of liberation.

However, on the drive home from the airport, I felt all those pressures fall back on me as I looked at my surroundings as we drove down the freeway. Don't get me wrong--certain societal pressures are good. I'm not an anarchist or anything. But to go back to my quote at the beginning, I have come to realise that "The only life worth living is one you're passionate about." I've decided, quietly and subtly, that this is what I need to live by. How can I live by others' expectations? I can't be that happy doing that.

As a semi-related side note, I've come the the realisation that I am a HUGE people-pleaser. Often times when I'm trying to make a decision, most of what I think about is who it will affect and how. This is of course important to a point--I'm not out to hurt people and I shouldn't be, either--but I need to make decisions based on what is best for me, and what will make me happy. This won't be easy now, but I think in the long run it will help me to be much happier.

I hope this isn't all coming off as selfish banter. However, I do believe that I need to sort myself out a bit in order to be a better person, and thus to be able to be of any help to others.

That is all, for now.

Angland, Pictland, and Eire

2009-06-15T10:12:00.001-06:00

Well, I didn't end up seeing Regent's Park, but I did see Kensington Palace and the surrounding parkland, which was really nice and included a Peter Pan statue. I met Rash at the palace and we had a nice Italian lunch in Kensington before going back to his flat, grabbing my stuff, and heading to London Paddington train station. I rode the train through the countryside, including through Swindon (the first area of my mission) and some of what I think is the most beautiful countryside in the UK. I got off the train in good old Gloucester, where Phil Moreton, the branch mission leader from the Forest of Dean, picked me up. That first night I went straight to the Lawsons (the Branch President) and had dinner. The food there is ALWAYS good and the company even better. Needless to say it was a fun night and I was so happy to be there.

The next day I went with Phil and had an extremely lovely walk down, over, and up the River Wye. This was more spectacular scenery AND weather! Haha, everyone thinks it only rains in England, but I really had great weather for the greater part of my trip :-) Anywho after we finished our walk, we took the rope ferry across the Wye and back to the car park. After that we spent some more time enjoying the scenery from Symonds Yat Rock, a cliff above the River Wye, then drove south along the river to Tintern Abbey (which was just in Wales!). Its kind of a forlorn place, being a ruin and all, but beautiful at the same time.

We then went back to the Forest to have dinner with the Pattenden family. Sister Pattenden was the RS Pres while I was in the Forest so it was really great to see that whole family again. Dinner was lots of fun. After that, we went back to the Moretons and pretty much chilled for the rest of the evening, which was nice.

The next day was rainy but not too bad. Phil and I ended up going to Monmouth and having a look around, which was nice as it is a really pretty town on the river. We then went back to the house, had lunch, and all drove to Gloucester, where the Moretons dropped me off at the train station. From there I rode the train straight to Nottingham!!

I was picked up by the Wilshers in Nottingham, and I stayed with them for my time there. They are fantastic people (and Sis. Wilsher is a GREAT cook!) so I really loved my stay. Of course it helped that I love Nottingham as well. I got to see lots of the people I grew to love there and that was fantastic. I also got to see Hardwick Hall, which I had read about whilst on my mission but had been unable to see because it was out of the mission boundaries. I also went on a (rather large) shopping spree with my friend Lisa, and that was lots of fun, kind of expensive, and our lunch afterwards at Red Hot was delicious.

During my time in N'ham, I took a day (well, afternoon/evening) trip to Burton-on-Trent, one of my old areas. It was great! I got to see the famous Kinnard family, and go to dinner with the Watson family. I really loved it. I also got to go to the Notts 2 Ward for church on Sunday, and that was as fun as it always was. I went to Gospel Principles and that brought back some great memories, like the time Marie was there and she started spraying her armpits with deodorant during the lesson, right in front of everyone.

On Tuesday, May 5, Lisa and I set off for the North! We missed our train (my fault) but soon got another one, and got to York just after 11am. We set off and soon explored the city walls, which are really cool and surprisingly complete, then got some nice chips at the Codfather, explored the town a bit including a church with wonky floors and walls, before heading to the Minster (like a cathedral). It had gorgeous stained glass, which was the thing I was most interested in, along with the stonework. Lisa and I took the arduous trip up the tower and across the roof and up the tower to the top and it was great! Nice views, although rather windy. About 5:30 pm, we went back to the train station and got on a train to Durham, which is north of York. Once we got there, Lisa's brother-in-law and niece were waiting for us and drove us back to their house in a village outside Durham. We had an EXCELLENT dinner there and I really loved being with them. Lisa has a great family. That night, and the next 2 nights, we stayed at Lisa's mum's bungalow, and it was really nice.

On Wednesday we rode the bus into Durham and spent the day there. It is a beautiful town on the river with both a cathedral and a castle. The castle is now Durham University so we pretty much just saw the outside, but we went inside the cathedral and climbed the tower there too! Lisa was super scared of heights but it was a lot of fun. We also got some delicious ice cream! Yumm. Oh I also REALLY like the northern England accent (well, the Durham one at least). They say "aye" instead of "yes," which I think is awesome.

On Thursday we woke up early, rode the bus into Durham, then took the train to Edinburgh, Scotland. We spent the day (and a fair amount of money) there, and it was lots of fun, though rather windy. We saw the town and the castle, and that was most of the day. I got a kilt for 20 quid and that was a great purchase. I also got some other fun stuff, including pinstripe shoes!!! They are pretty radical but I like them.

Friday we got a ride into Durham, ate at the Chinese buffet, and then took the train back to Nottingham. We met the Wilshers there; they brought some luggage I had left at their house and also took Lisa home. I had about 10 minutes to catch my next train to Wolverhampton but I made it. I was picked up in Wolverhampton by John Chaproniere, the ward mission leader in the ward I served in there. He and his family are excellent people and I enjoyed a relaxing night there.

The next day I left with a carry-on and rode the train to Birmingham Int'l Airport. I flew RyanAir from there to Derry, N. Ireland. It was a very no-frills flight (which was fine, considering I only spent 20GBP on the fare) and the landing was the roughest I've ever had. I was picked up by Bryan Graydon, my first companion in Nottingham. I spent 4 wonderful days there relaxing and enjoying the beauties of the Emerald Isle. I was lucky enough to have the sun visit all 4 days I was there, allowing for beautiful weather. I spent a lot of time with Bryan's mom, and she is a lot of fun. I saw one of the most beautiful beaches in the world....or actually the whole coastline....walked a rope bridge, saw the Giant's Causeway, and enjoyed the Irish accent. Ahh....good times.

On Tuesday the 12th I left Derry to go back to Wolverhampton. My train passed thru B'ham city centre so I got out and did a little shopping. I couldn't pass thru B'ham without a little visit!! I love that city. That night I was back at the Chapronieres and the Mitchells (from Wednesfield) came by to visit and it was a lot of fun. That night I packed and stayed up late, anxious with anticipation for my flight home.

Wednesday morning I woke up early and caught a train from Wolverhampton straight to London. I called a couple missionaries on the way and it was fun to talk to them.

Once my train got to London, I had to take the Underground to Heathrow airport, and that was NOT fun. I had to go down lots and lots of stairs, with 2 rolling suitcases, a side bag, and a giant duffel bag. The duffel bag strap broke when I got off of the tube at one station, which made things even more difficult. However, I eventually made it to the airport. The rest of my trip home was pretty uneventful. It was nice to be back on American soil; however I really think I could live in the UK and be very happy. The only bad thing was that when I arrived in SLC, my baggage wasnt there--it had been put on the flight after mine. They delivered it to me, but not until 3 or 4 in the morning. Oh well. My friend Miguel was nice enough to come and pick me up from the airport. I wasn't in the best of moods, having not slept for 24 hours and having my luggage lost.

Thus was the end of my UK adventure--the best trip I've ever had.

Almost Lover

2009-06-07T20:14:00.009-06:00

So I know I'm always posting lyrics, but I love, love, love this song by Fine Frenzy called "Almost Lover." Here are the song, music video, and lyrics:

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips

You told me you would never, never forget

These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that

Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?

[Chorus]

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should have known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Videos from the Trip!

2009-05-24T19:05:00.002-06:00

Ok, below are a few videos from my trip! Also, here are the links to view my picture albums on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2260923&id=17809597&l=6a31f29d4b

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2260914&id=17809597&l=e4747b8262

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2258149&id=17809597&l=1567b2ba72

Pictures from my UK trip so far!!!

2009-04-29T14:45:00.004-06:00

The Lawson family, who live in the middle of nowhere in a 500 year old farmhouse. Dinner was delicious and they are great!

View from the famous Symonds Yat Rock. Spectacular!!
Thanks to Brother Moreton for the chauffering!

Tintern Abbey, Wye Valley. Very ominous.

in front of Kensington Palace

in front of Buckingham Palace (after having tea with Her Majesty)

this girl gave me a free hug in Hyde Park.

this is NOT London Bridge. It is Tower Bridge.

D-dawg and Wur-dawg in London Ends

2009-04-28T01:20:00.002-06:00

I'm in London!!! However, I'm leaving today. Let me recap on my trip! And the last few days.

End of semester: very stressful. I stayed up past 4am Monday last studying for my Physical Science final. Which I did alright on--relatively. I spent 2 hours taking the test and only stopped because I really had to go to the bathroom. I got a 74%, which is better than any of my other test scores in that class. I should end up with at least a B-, and hopefully a B. My other final last week was Humanities 101, and I don't think it was too bad. We were allotted 3 hours to complete it, and I only took 50 minutes. Hopefully thats a good thing!

My parents were in town last week. They stayed in Park City and so I went up there and stayed over night on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights which was a lot of fun. On Monday night Paul was there so that made it extra fun. We went swimming mostly, but after my parents went to bed we decided we were still hungry so we "snuck out" and found a Burger King. Good times.

Wednesday and Thursday were super busy just getting ready for my trip and packing to move out of Southridge. I definitely have too much stuff and need to get rid of a lot of it. Hopefully I can do that when I move into my new apartment. It was sad to be leaving Southridge and the people/ward there that I have come to love, but it will be good to start fresh in a much nicer apartment. Thursday night I checked out and went to Deborah Bailey's wedding reception, which was fun, then me and Miguel went up to the hotel in Park City and went swimming and ate some food. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad that we could do that before I left.

Now....the LONDON part!!!

I stayed up til like 12 or 1 that night making sure I was ready. Then I woke up at 4am!! Got ready, ate breakfast, left around 5 for the airport. My mom drove me and it reminded me of when I went to Finland and she and my dad drove me to the airport in Cedar Rapids. Anyway there were no problems at the airport (my bag was 20 lbs underweight). On the flight to San Fransisco we flew over the Golden Gate bridge and the downtown which was cool. The couple I sat next to were really nice and I ended up talking to them for like 1.5 hours after the flight. They really like England so they were pretty interested in my trip.

The flight from San Fran to London was long (I mean, was flying across the whole of the United States, plus the Atlantic), but good. I read, slept, ate (I love airplane food btw) and watched a movie or 2. The guy on my right was from Brazil but had lived in France and other places and is now an American citizen and is marrying a girl from Utah next month. The woman on my left is a professor of psychology at a university in Chico, CA. They were both fun to talk to, although we didn't really talk at all until the last 1.5 hours of the flight.

We landed ONE HOUR EARLY in London. Can you believe that??? I was really nervous that I'd have to wait forever at the airport for my old companion to come pick me up but it wasn't too bad. Once I got thru customs and baggage claim and all that it was like 7am which is when the plane was SUPPOSED to land. Rash (Elder Wurie's nickname) didn't get there for a bit but he got there and thats the important thing.

First we rode the underground back to Rash's flat, which is in Kilburn (an area of London). He lives with a few other guys who are also going to University and who are LDS. Its a cool flat. Kinda reminds me of missionary days :-). I waited a while for him to get ready and I fell asleep, despite my best efforts not to. Once he was ready the first thing we did was head to Camden to go to the market. It was GREAT!! There were a million people there but there was cool stuff being sold and the atmosphere was great. I got a giant crepe which tasted good and I also got souvenirs, sunglasses, and a telescope/looking glass thing that is brass and leather and came in a cool wooden box. The guy who sold it to me was a jerk but oh well.

After Camden, we went to London City Centre. The first thing we saw was London Bridge, which is actually pretty funny since the original London Bridge was sold to some guy in Arizona and the current one is made of pretty ugly concrete. We then walked around the Tower of London to Tower Bridge, the bridge that is often mistaken as London Bridge. There were tourists everywhere but it was still a lot of fun. We walked across Tower Bridge and along the bank of the River Thames for a while before coming to Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. Its pretty small and I would've liked to have seen a play there (its only £5!) but they were all sold out. We then crossed a foot bridge and St. Paul's cathedral was right in front of us. It is pretty massive. Then we rode the underground to go to a couple birthday parties, but things didn't work out so we actually ended up just going back to the flat--our feet were dang tired from all that walking all round London. On the way back we stopped at Mr. Fish so I could get some chips!!!! mmm they were good. That was my dinner that night. We were super tired so when we got back we went to bed around 9pm!

The next day (Sunday) we woke up at like 10am (13 hours of sleep!!). We leisurely got ready for church and left around 12:30. Rash goes to the Britannia ward, the only YSA ward in the UK. He had to be early for some meetings so I took a gander down to Hyde Park before church started. It was a BEAUTIFUL day (as was Saturday!) and it was a lovely gander. I saw the memorial fountain/pool for Princess Diana and the park is really pretty. I tried to get to Speaker's Corner but the park is so huge I didn't have time. Church was good and it was a pretty normal single's ward. Afterwards there was some socialising and it was a good time. Rash wanted to stay for a service fireside so I left with 2 of his roommates, Rob and Angus, and we went to Speaker's corner back in Hyde Park. IT WAS CRAZY!! People everywhere, speaking their minds. There were definitely some crazies. I also got a free hug from a pretty girl, which was nice ;-)

After that we walked past the Marble Arch and down Oxford Street, which is the main shopping district of London. It was pretty cool. Then we caught a bus (yes, double-decker) to Abbey Road! Haha it was pretty funny trying to get pictures on the crossing but I got a couple. They are kind of grainy cuz it was getting dark but its all good. After that we went home!

Yesterday I got to wander around London on my own which I was nervous about but it turned out to be lots of fun. I'm really enjoying this vacation because my plans are so loose; when I plan things too precisely I can get really uptight and stressed if the plans don't work out. So yesterday I started off in Kilburn High Street, getting a battery and charger for my phone, as well as getting a delicious muffin from Greggs. Then I caught a bus back to Oxford St where I did some souvenir/clothes shopping. Clothes are really cheap here!!!! Souvenirs weren't too expensive, either. After Oxford St. I headed over to the British Museum. It is massive and free!! I got to see the Rosetta Stone and the Parthenon marbles. That was great, especially since I had had to stare at the Parthenon marbles the last few weeks during my Humanities class. After zooming through the museum, I caught a bus to Green park, which is beautiful of course, and walked through there to get to Buckingham Palace. I guess the Queen was home, because there were no tours available, but it was a SIGHT. It was really beautiful.

I then headed towards the houses of Parliament and Westminster Abbey, but stopped at a great little sandwich shop along the way. I was debating whether I wanted to spend the £9 it costs a student to get into the Abbey, but I decided to do it and it really was beautiful!!! There are monuments everywhere, but my favourite part was King Henry VIII's Lady Chapel. Its where an order of knights have their crests and there are some fantastic stained glass and the ceiling is carved stone and amazingly intricate. I'll post pictures when I can.

After the Abbey, I walked around the Houses of Parliament. This building is also very intricate and beautiful. It is right on the river Thames and I loved it. I probably took a million pictures. (Btw this includes "Big Ben."). After that I walked up Whitehall and saw Downing Street. There is a massive gate and police officers so you can't actually go down the street, but I saw it nonetheless. I kept walking up the street until I got to Trafalgar Square. Here there is the pillar/statue of Lord Nelson, as well as Martin's in the Fields church and the National Portrait Gallery. They're all pretty and cool. A great thing about London is that the museums are all free!! yay!!! I then got some McDonald's and ate it in Leicester Square, which is a really pretty pedestrianized green space.

By this time I needed to get back to the flat to meet Rash, so I caught a bus to Picadilly Circus, took a picture, and then rode the tube home. I was pretty impressed with myself that I could do that all on my own! I will also be impressed if you have read this whole post. In fact you might deserve some English chocolate.

Today I'm going with Rash to Kensington Palace and Regents Park. Then its off to...the Royal Forest of Dean!!

Trust

2009-04-16T22:34:00.004-06:00

Have you ever done a "trust fall"? Its where you close your eyes and just fall backward and a friend catches you. Its supposed to build trust between people, just hoping that they actually catch you. I have to admit that one time I didn't catch this girl and it was kind of embarrassing. She happened to be my girlfriend. But I'm not sure if she was my girlfriend at that point. Random.

I've been thinking about trust today. Its really hard for me to really, truly trust someone. Its easy enough in the physical sense, like with the trust fall, but its much harder in the emotional sense. See, I suppose I have about 3 different levels of trust:

Level 1: Acquaintance

At this level if you ask me how I'm doing, I will most likely say "fine" regardless of how I really feel. If you ask me about personal things like who I'm dating, I might give you some vague information, like maybe some first names or how I'm feeling in general about dating. But that's probably more level 1a stuff.

Level 2: Friend

At this level we've probably hung out at least a few times and I definitely call you my friend, rather than just someone I know from .... . I'm more likely to tell you how I'm really doing--that or you'll just be able to tell that I'm not really "fine" and you'll probably ask me how I'm really feeling. If you asked me about my dating life, I would probably give a fair amount of detail, and be less general about feelings.

Level 2a: Good Friend

Either I live with you, have known you a long time, or see a lot of you. We're definitely more than Facebook friends, and you are more of a confidante who I can approach and talk about things with, rather than just answer your small talk questions that you post on my Wall. I go to you for advice and help, and have a fair amount of trust in you, but not enough to tell you everything about myself, my life, or my situation.

Level 3: Soul Mate

This person I have not yet met. And by soul mate I don't necessarily mean an eternal companion--just someone I can bare my whole soul to without worrying what they'll think or say. Someone who, no matter how stupid I am and regardless of the stupid things I do, will still love me for me and be my friend. This is someone I really feel I can lean on in hard times, and who will depend on me when they are in hard times too.

I guess the point of this post is the fact that I've never trusted anyone up to Level 3. I may tell people personal things or whatever, but there is no one that I share my whole self--my soul--with. I guess thats what part of marriage is, but don't people have friends like this before marriage too? Sometimes I just yearn to tell someone these things deep inside of me; I yearn to be understood. Hmm.

Funeral Blues

2009-04-04T22:33:00.004-06:00

Today I went to Salt Lake City, to visit the grave of my brother, Jonathan Kent Hansen. It was kind of rough. He died 2 years ago today. I went on my own, feeling like I wanted someone to be there with me but at the same time just wanting some time alone there.

I can't believe how fast these 2 years have flown, and wish so much that he could have been here for those 2 years, and for many more to come. Jon was a fantastic person, full of life and energy. He was always a great support to me and the things I was doing, whatever they were. Miss you, bro!!

This is from "Four Weddings and a Funeral." I thought it was appropriate for today.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

--W. H. Auden

Pride Music

2009-04-03T20:08:00.003-06:00

do you ever find that certain music raises your self esteem? or even your pride level? some may call this your level of self respect. anyway, i've noticed. i find it very interesting how music is like sunglasses--the music i listen to as i walk around changes how i see the world.

anywho, back to pride music. this music is music that makes me walk taller, feel better about what i'm wearing/what i'm like. basically, its sexy music. haha. anywho, here are a few samples of my pride music:

"Circus" by Britney Spears (yep, its true)
"When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls
"Disturbia" by Rihanna
"Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry
"The Sweet Escape" by Gwen Stefani

anywho those are probably the top ones. there are others that do similar things, but not quite the same so they didn't make the list.

speaking of music, one of my old mission companions just recently got me into Kate Nash. it helps that she is from england, of course, but I like her music. i like "foundations," "navy taxi," and "merry happy." here is her picture:

she is a cutie, no? i think i'm digging the Britstyle.

hmm judging by this post, i'd say i've gotten more into girl singers recently. i mentioned katy perry up there, i also like her other songs from her newest album.

anywho those are my thoughts!

Caffeine at BYU??

2009-04-02T11:30:00.002-06:00

Valley 3 News: BYU Brings Caffeine to Campus from Jimmy Newell on Vimeo.

Festival of Colours 2009

2009-03-29T14:52:00.004-06:00

I thought I would take the time to actually write something again, this time about the Holi Festival/Festival of Colours.

The festival was yesterday at the Hare Krishna temple in Spanish Fork, Utah (basically in the middle of nowhere). I left with Sarah and John from my ward at about 4:45. Normally it only takes like 25 minutes to get there, so we thought there wouldnt be any problem. HOWEVER, traffic was backed up all the way to Provo's Center street!! so it took about 1 hour and 45 minutes to get there. This means that we missed the main colour-throwing event of the festival, and there were no colours left to be bought once we got there. :-(

BUT

we still had a great time!! Someone told me that there were around 10,000 people there! There really were a lot, it was packed! We got to park pretty close and found some ward friends. Luckily Miguel saved me some purple colour so we at least got to throw that :-) After Miguel left, we were enjoying the general atmosphere of the event when I noticed several people (Eliza, John, and Brigham) gather around me and start to pick me up!! I grabbed on to Sarah as hard as a could, but to no avail--in a few seconds I was CROWD SURFING.!. Can you believe it? me--crowd surfing. One of my shoes was quickly lost, and thrown on top of the band's pavillion. Eventually I was dropped on my head, which is when I realised that I had not only lost my shoe, but also my brand-new camera and phone!!!!!! I was about ready to die. LUCKILY both were returned to me within about 2 minutes!!! Then later John got my shoe off of the pavillion, with the help of the security dude. So it was rather traumatic, but I'm happy to say that I have crowd surfed and lived to tell the tale! It was crazy--you don't even feel people's hands pushing you around, you just feel like youre floating on the top of an especially bubbly/turbulent pool of water. CRAZY!!!

After this experience me and Sarah walked around looking at the llamas, peacocks, ebzu (sp?), and other animals at the temple. The temple is really pretty inside, and it was a good time!

Haha afterwards we went to Diegos and then watched the new James Bond movie, but we both fell asleep, waking up occasionally for some light conversation such as

SARAH: "Are your eyes open?"

DAVE: "Nope."

SARAH: "Wait who is that?"

DAVE: "I have no idea; who IS that? Do you know?"

SARAH: "Nope, I've been sleeping..."

or something like that. It was rather amusing.

Here are pics to enjoy!:

me and sarahs and brigham, right after crowd surfing

a shoe being thrown. mine is on the roof, towards the gold spike, brown with white laces.

me & miguel right before he left

me and mary, from folk dance

me, sarah, and miguel!

the temple at night

part of our ward group

my face!!

there is my shoe. the one by the banana-looking sandals.

To do list:

2009-03-22T22:39:00.003-06:00

Bold = I've done it

1.Started your own blog
2.Slept under the stars
3.Played in a band (does elementary concert band count?)
4.Visited Hawaii
5.Watched a meteor shower
6.Given more than you can afford to charity
7.Been to Disneyland (World)
8.Climbed a Mountain
9.Held a praying mantis
10.Sang a solo
11.Bungee jumping
12.Visited Paris
13.Watched a lightning storm at sea
14.Taught yourself an art from scratch
15.Adopted a child
16.Had food poisoning
17.Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18.Grown your own vegetables
19.Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20.Slept on an overnight train
21.Had a pillow fight
22.Hitch hiked
23.Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24.Built a snow fort
25.Held a lamb
26.Gone skinny dipping
27.Run a Marathon
28.Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29.Seen a total eclipse
30.Watched a sunrise or sunset
31.Hit a home run
32.Been on a cruise
33.Seen Niagara Falls in person
34.Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35.Seen an Amish community
36.Taught yourself a new language
37.Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38.Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39.Gone rock climbing
40.Seen Michelangelo's David
41.Sung Karaoke
42.Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43.Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44.Visited Africa
45.Walked on a beach by moonlight
46.Been transported in an ambulance
47.Had your portrait painted
48.Gone deep sea fishing
49.Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50.Been to the top of the Eiffel tower in Paris
51.Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52.Kissed in the rain
53.Played in the mud
54.Gone to a drive-in theater
55.Been in a movie (non-Hollywood)
56.Visited the Great Wall of China
57.Started a business
58.Taken a martial arts class
59.Visited Russia (almost!!)
60.Served at a soup kitchen
61.Sold girl scout cookies
62.Gone whale watching
63.Got flowers for no reason
64.Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65.Gone sky diving
66.Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67.Bounced a check
68.Flown in a helicopter
69.Saved a favorite childhood toy
70.Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71.Eaten Caviar
72.Pieced a quilt
73.Stood in times square
74.Toured the Everglades
75.Been fired from a job
76.Seen the changing of the Guards in London
77.Broken a bone
78.Been on a speeding motorcycle (does Eliza's count?)
79.Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80.Published a book
81.Visited the Vatican
82.Bought a brand new car
83.Walked in Jerusalem
84.Had your picture in the newspaper
85.Read the entire Bible
86.Visited the White House
87.Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88.Had Chickenpox
89.Saved someones life
90.Sat on a jury
91.Met someone famous
92.Joined a book club
93.Lost a loved one
94.Had a baby
95.Seen the Alamo in person
96.Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97.Been involved in a law suit
98.Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

TOO MUCH TO DO STILL!!

copy this to your blog and bold the ones you've done

to be...

2009-03-18T23:04:00.003-06:00

I drove up Provo canyon with a friend tonight and we talked about life a bit. I saw a moth fluttering by and these words just kind of came to me....

What would it be like

To be like a moth

Drawn to light

Free to fly, this way

and that

And everywhere is right

Blown by winds of change

Buffeted by winds of chance

And still,

Everywhere is right

realisation

2009-03-17T00:13:00.003-06:00

So yesterday (sunday) there was a Stake priesthood meeting, which I had planned to attend. However, a friend is having a really difficult time of things right now, and needed to talk, so I stayed home. It was good to talk to him, but I was sad I didnt get to go to the meeting. Anywho, when my roommate John got back, he was telling me about one of the talks and how it was about becoming a disciple of Christ.

I've thought before about being a disciple of Christ, and what that means, but it never set into me like this before. I've been struggling recently (as I've probably displayed too publicly on this very blog) with various things in life (like most people) and I had some sort of realisation/revelation/inspiration. I realised that my goal in life should be to become a disciple of Christ. It shouldnt just be getting married, getting good grades, or whatever. But to become a disciple of Christ--then the rest can follow. I can't really describe the peace/satisfaction this gave me after quite some time of turmoil. I still don't know exactly whats in store for me--perhaps I never will get married or have a family. But I came to realise that if I have a better life goal in mind as I go through the day and throughout my life, then things will turn out for the better--no matter what.

What I really realised I should be like was this:

It may not be on the mountain’s height,
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front,
My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice He calls,
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go.
- Refrain:
  I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
  O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
  I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
  I’ll be what You want me to be.
There’s surely somewhere a lowly place,
In earth’s harvest fields so white,
Where I may labor through life’s short day,
For Jesus the Crucified;
So trusting my all to Thy tender care,
And knowing Thou lovest me,
I’ll do Thy will with a heart sincere,
I’ll be what You want me to be.
("I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go")

On a slightly more upbeat note, I GOT MY TICKETS TO ENGLAND!! I'm leaving April 24th and coming back May 13! It should be fantastic. I will be visiting London, the Forest of Dean, Wolverhampton, Burton-on-Trent, Nottingham, Durham, York, Edinburgh, and Ireland! (all subject to change, of course.) Yay, it should be great! And its in only 5 weeks!!!!

UK TRIP!!

2009-03-10T12:50:00.005-06:00

Ok, so I am going back to England! I will be going at the end of April for 2-3 weeks. Below is my hopeful itinerary, although I will probably have to eliminate one or two things in the end. But we'll see! UK, here I come! (I said I'd be back!) feel free to give me suggestions on where to go/not go, and whatever! (hint: you can move the map around by clicking and dragging)

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Better In Time

2009-03-06T00:17:00.002-07:00

So, things recently have been....complicated. emotionally. type thing. i can't really explain. but my hope is that in time, things will be better. i've recently discovered this song by leona lewis, and thought it would be appropriate to post on here. don't try to apply it to much to me, cuz, i mean...its leona lewis singing about a boy. but she is a good singer and i like the song. and hopefully, things will be better in time.

It's been the longest winter without you

I didn't know where to turn to

See somehow I can't forget you

After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock

Who's there no one

Thinking that I deserve it

Now I realize that I really didn't know

If you didn't notice you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again

All I know is I'mma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV

Without something there to remind me

Was it all that easy

To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh

Hurt my feelings but that's the path

I'll believe in

And I know time will heal it

If you didn't notice boy you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again

All I know is I'mma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me

It's time I let you go

So I can be free

And live my life how it should be

No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you

Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)

It'll all get better in time

Abide with Me, O Lord, Please don't forsake me

2009-03-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word;
But as Thou dwell’st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings,
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea—
Come, Friend of sinners, and thus bide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

a little fun

2009-02-19T11:39:00.002-07:00

So I was reading in the BYU Alumni magazine and there were a couple of hilarious stories at the end. Here they are:

"Mistletoe Mishap" by Marci von Savoye Williams

When my husband, then boyfriend, showed up to his brother's wedding, his entire family kept pestering him about the big, ugly gash at the end of his nose. But the story behind his nose was not something he was ready to share.

The day before the wedding we were on one of our first dates. It was Christmastime, and above each elevator door at S Hall in Deseret Towers hung mistletoe. When our date was over, he walked me to the elevator of my dorm. Standing in the elevator, I pointed up at the mistletoe and smiled coyly, but he didn't take my bait. Not one to give up easily, I leaned through the doorway and planted a kiss right on his lips. Perhaps he was surprised by my forwardness, or maybe he was just hanging on to the moment; either way, he lingered a bit too long, and the doors closed right on his nose. He had to place a hand on each door to push his nose free. Fortunately, subsequent kisses were not so hazardous, though I don't think we've kissed under the mistletoe since!

"The Prophetess" by Keith C Porter

one evening at BYU I had a date with my girlfriend. We were going to a dance wherein she had some responsibility. Once there, she realised she had left something at her apartment. We borrowed her friend's yellow VW Bug to make the run. When we parked in her residence paring lot, she removed the keys from the ignition before leaving me in the car, saying, "Because you can't be trusted."

Because I can't be trusted, once she disappeared, I pulled the Bug out of gear. To my delight it rollled backward to the back of the lot where I slipped it back into gear. As the car came to a rest, an identical yellow Bug pulled into the spot I had vacated. The couple in the car began to embrace and kiss. About this time, my girlfriend appeared and, because it was dusk, all seh could see was the silhouette of the couple. She stoped in front of the car and planted her hands on her hips in disgust. Then she stomped to the driver side of the car, yanked the door open and yelled, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!" Seeing by the light in the VW that it was not me, she turned red, then looked around and saw me in laughter in the car at the bqaack of the lot. She ran to the right VW Bug, jumped in, and said, "I knew I couldn't trust you!"

a new update!

2009-02-05T21:38:00.004-07:00

well believe it or not, i'm updating for real!

OK, recap:

Fall semester finished. I beat the "21 date challenge" and got to 24 or something like that. I kinda stopped worrying about it at the end of the semester. I have only been on a couple dates since--I'm a bit burned out.

Classes were good. I got a B+ in world history and an A- in Bio 100 but As in everything else! It helped my GPA quite a bit. Now i just have to do it again this semester!!! We'll see if I can pull that off!! This semester I'm taking HEPE and Phys Sci 1oo online (hopefully that wasn't a mistake...); I'm also taking Turkish 102, LDS History 1805-1844, Humanities 101, and Dance 378R (Folk Dance team, yay!). Its a big semester but it will make summer break that much better, plus I'm knocking out most of the remaining gen ed requirements I have to fill.

Job: Back at the end of Novemberish I applied for a position under the Office of IT as a software instructor. I went in for an initial interview with 2 people which went well (although my flash drive didn't work so I had to use facebook to show a couple pictures I had photoshopped and it was kind of embarassing cuz the interviewers saw me in my footie pjs, etc!). I was later invited back for another interview, in which I taught about the IF function in Excel. This is something that I had no idea existed so it was a steep learning curve and I was WAY nervous. However it went fairly well. As an example, I had created a spreadsheet for Christmas named "Naughty or Nice?" in which I put me and my siblings' names and the months. Then I put in amounts of good and bad deeds, added them up at the end of the year, and used the IF function to determine who got presents for Christmas and who got coal. It was unique I think and I enjoyed it. Anyway, on the way home for Christmas I got a call and was told that I got the job!! I was really happy. Working at the library was nice and all, but not great for building a resume, and the hours weren't that great either. So I started the first day of this semester and its been a whirlwind ever since. I've been going to the classes that our team teaches, in order to qualify myself and learn about the programs. I've also been practice teaching and working on projects in these programs. It has been going well and I'm enjoying what I'm learning. And I also enjoy teaching! I'm currently working on a mini-mission scrapbook. Its about 12 pages. The front/back covers are collages of pictures. I also found this font on the internet (www.dafont.com) that looks like an old-fashioned labeler/labels, and I used it for the title and section headings. For the inside I used more pictures, another font that looks like handwriting (plus the label font) and then used maps of my areas as backgrounds. I have to say I think it looks pretty snazzy.

OK, lastly (and hopefully briefly--i'm going to be owing more hugs to readers if this goes on much longer!): Christmas. Christmas was awesome!!! However, getting home was not so great. I took a train, plane, and car. I rode the train from Provo to Denver on one day (it took like 15 hours!!). I had to get up really early in the morning (actually i only slept about 1 hour that night) and then the train was late which sucked. HOWEVER, the ride was very relaxing and I had 2 seats to myself and it was very roomy, etc. it was also very pretty. so i definitely recommend it! That night I stayed in Denver with my sister and her husband and baby, and that was fun. She made a delicious dinner and the next day we had fun and also got to go to Chipotle! yay!! That afternoon/evening I flew from Denver to Dallas. Originally I was going to drive from Denver to Iowa with Emily but circumstances change. Anywho the bad things about flying: I forgot to leave my swiss army knife with Emily so I had to throw it away at the airport. they also threw away my TOOTHPASTE. COME ON!! gah. once I got to Dallas I was kinda freaked out cuz we hadnt set up when/where Sarah & Mark would pick me up. so i waited for like 30 min and they came luckily (they didnt have a phone so there was no way for us to contact each other! what did we do before cell phones....?). Then about 6 or so hours later, Sarah and I and Adriana were on the road to Iowa. It was a WAY long trip and Adriana really got conditioned to hating her carseat, but parts of it were good.

Now, for real--Christmas. We had most of us kids home for Christmas, plus grandkids! All in all we were 25 strong! it was a big group but awesome. the kids all had a great time together and it was good for me to see everyone again. i just love that "family" feeling. my parents are in a new house, and it is really great. Plus they were not stressed out, which was FANTASTIC. let me get a couple pics up... oh i also grew a "pilgrim cut" beard, so there is a pic of that too...

pick me up

2009-02-04T00:06:00.003-07:00

well that last post was a bit...confusing perhaps so i thought i'd post something a bit more happy. this is a video of my niece adriana's first lemon!

where i am, now.

2009-01-29T21:37:00.006-07:00

I am a little confused about things right now. Things that I know, but don't understand. Where to start? Hmm, the beginning, I guess.

I've never doubted that God loved me. I haven't always felt passionate about it or anything but I never really blamed him for anything, either. Then I had a, well, life changing experience on my mission....

I was serving in Nottingham with Elder Graydon at the time. One day we were on exchanges with the elders from Notts 4, and I was left in charge of our area and was paired with Elder Forsyth. I was pretty nervous because up to that point I hadn't really ever had responsibility (or much of it) on my mission, spare a few other exchanges where I was the one left in my own area. That evening, a Philipino member of the ward named Noli called, and asked us for a blessing. We got the Bishop's permission and arranged to go to his home with the zone leaders later. When we got there, he asked me to give the blessing; I did, and we tried to comfort him as best we could. During the blessing, my phone started vibrating. Then as we were talking to Noli afterwards, it vibrated (rang) again. I of course didn't answer it but when I tried to call the number back, I got a message saying I couldn't dial international numbers. This was confusing, as I didn't know of anyone who would be calling us from outside of the UK.

We got home and me and Elder Forsyth went to sum up the day and plan the next when the phone rang again--the international number. I answered this time and was surprised to hear the voices of both of my parents. The first thing I asked was "Are you supposed to be calling me?" I innocently thought they just had a hankering to talk to me and had found my number somehow. "Yes," they said, "we are. When Sanni tried to wake up Jon this morning, he wouldn't wake up. Jon has died." I was dumbfounded, naturally, finding out that my brother had died unexpectedly when I was 4,700 miles away. The thought of going home only crossed my mind once, and I dismissed it right away--I knew I was expected to stay, and that was what I had signed up for a year before when I received my mission call. I cried a lot that night, as I continued to talk to my parents. They told me all they knew and their plans to go home for the funeral. We had no idea why Jon had died, or anything. After I hung up, I numbly made my way up the stairs to the zone leaders' study and asked for a blessing. They (Elders Donaldson & Morin, as well as Elder Forsyth) gave me a blessing of comfort, which was a good thing to have. Then we talked a bit about Jon, the circumstances, and my family. I still couldn't believe what was happening. Luckily the conversation turned to more light-hearted things and I was able to just sit and allow myself to think a litte but also be distracted as things really started to sink in. I would never see Jon again. He left a wife and two beautiful young sons. He was less-active. What does that mean for his eternal future? What am I going to do? What can I do? A little after midnight the conversation slowed and everyone else went to bed. I stayed up a bit later and quietly prayed and sang two of my favourite hymns, "Nearer, My God, To Thee" and "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy" to myself before going to bed.

The next day we were allowed to sleep in a bit, and I was still feeling kind of numb. I studied death and resurrection during my personal study and also got a call from Pres. Moffat to see how I was doing and to let me know he was thinking of me. The zone leaders studied with us during companionship study and we had a really good discussion about life, its complexities, death, and the hereafter. That day was one of the hardest of my mission. I decided not to take it off, but to keep working, and I think that was one of the things that saved me. Elder Forsyth and I met a great recent convert, Lisa, and went around inviting people to the open house we were having. As long as I focused on that, I felt mostly ok...but at times my mind naturally drifted and focused on Jon instead. Later that day, we switched back our companionships, and I found it very difficult to tell Elder Graydon all that had happened. But once I did, he was very supportive, as were the sisters in the district (I still don't know how they found out the situation), the zone leaders, and President Moffat.

The next week when I checked my email, I found one that Jon had sent me about 24 hours before he died:

hey! up in the night with the kids - Just thought I'd say Hi really quickly - it's 4:32 aM here! I really want you to know that you're doing a great job!

Your message it righteous and true, but also remember that god has a plan for everybody - some people need the comfort that spirituality brings and the guideaince of the holy ghost right now, and yet many are not yet ready for the message (for a variety of reasons) ............. but every human being has god's light inside of them!

if they're not ready now, don't ever let that bother you! Simply see his wisdom, his glory, his perfection, his love, and his divinity in everybody, and everything, you come in contact with. That love and beauty will radiate and touch everybody around you - to each in different ways - but by cultivating that mentality, and following in his footsteps, you will touch many lives with your message. (and it sounds like you already have touched many!)

God is good - put everything you do and say in his hands, and he will show you and your investigators the way.
Love,
Jon - Sanni - Samuel & Christian

This message brought much needed comfort to me, as well as to my family when I shared it with them. And still, when I read it now, I hear Jon's voice and feel like he is still sending me this message whenever I need it most. This is the point I am trying to make--that at this time, perhaps the worst time of my life, I was truly guided by God and came to feel of his love through this experience.

A few months later I was reading in the Book of Mormon where it says:

"This is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel, and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God, who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land. Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen." (Alma 26:36-37)

As I read that and pondered about it, I came to see how this had been true for me in this situation--how I was lost in a strange land, and yet God was mindful of me. He gave me excellent companions to help me through my grief. He provided amazing leadership in the mission to support me. He gave me friends like Lisa to lift me up when I was down. He gave us his Son that we might be together again with those we have lost. In my email home that week, I wrote:

"I always knew that God loved me, but at that moment, I came to truly know for myself the great love and mercy that he has shown in my life. Things arent going anywhere close to perfect for me, and they never will be. But that is not what this life is about--its about learning, growing, and progressing. And I realised in that instant that that was exactly what my loving Heavenly Father has allowed me to do in this time."

I will always treasure this as one of the most insightful and special experiences I have ever had. However, here comes the downer, with as much honesty as I can muster. I have been home for over 7 months now. And when I look back at these amazing experiences and where I was last year at this time, I find that I am a different person. I am older and wiser, to be sure, but in spirituality I have lost a lot of ground. I've felt the downward slide about since school began, and I haven't been able to stop it. There are good weeks and bad, but the general trend is downward. And as I have slid (and experienced REAL post-mission life), questions have arisen to me which have no answers. At least, they have no concrete answers, and the answers that I can find seem to depend on when they were given and by whom. So that is why I say I'm confused about things that I know, but don't understand. I know that God loves me! But why this, then, and why me?

Disclaimers:

1) If you've read this whole thing, you deserve...well a hug or something. I'll give it to you next time I see you.

2) No, I am not going "less-active." Or inactive (in the church). I'm simply trying to express my feelings, and doing a horrible job at it.

Humanities--a celebration of what is Human.

2009-01-28T08:21:00.001-07:00

so yesterday in my Humanities class I heard these two poems by Edgar Allen Poe. I liked them.

"Alone"
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring —
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov'd — I lov'd alone —
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn
Of a most stormy life — was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still —
From the torrent, or the fountain —
From the red cliff of the mountain —
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold —
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by —
From the thunder, and the storm —
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view

"Annabel Lee"

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

2009-01-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

An Engineer s Guide to Cats @ Yahoo! Video

what i want, what i need

2008-12-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

"When She's Near" by Fiction Family

My cover is blown,

I'm faded and dreary.

When my love is away

my cover is blown.

When she leaves me alone,

I'm weathered and weary,

the nights are the days

when my love is away.

CHORUS

When she's near, the New Year's here

and theres not a resolution

that I can't do!

I see things clearly, when she's near me.

When she's near me all the world is new.

When life leaves me vexed

I stop thinking clearly

I can get so afraid that I push her away.

Repentance is next, I miss her so dearly.

See those nights are the days

when my love is away.

CHORUS

I'm waiting for the day when love's no longer blind

When she's near, the New Year's here

and theres not a resolution that I can't do!

I see things clearly, when she's near me;

When she's near me all the world is new.

**********************************************

This is what I want, this is what I need.

office heroes!

2008-11-15T17:59:00.001-07:00

2008-10-16T16:29:00.001-06:00

i was reading some old english papers today and thought i'd post a couple...so much for doing homework!! here they are.

Summer is never a simple thing; summer is a cascade of events, each causing the next or affected by the last. There are good summers and bad summers and summers that are just in-between. But everyone has a summer that can be referred to as “that” summer. For good reasons or bad, everyone knows about “that summer.”

My “that summer” was started a few weeks before school got out. It was my ninth grade year, and the last one at the junior high. I was all set to have an awesome summer and then get into high school and have fun—pool parties at our neighborhood pool, being able to swim without a lifeguard at the pool…it was all going to happen. One night in May, my parents told my sister and me that they had to talk to us. They were way too serious for good news, and my sister and I were instantly nervous. We all sat in a circle on the floor; my parents were holding hands; they steeled themselves and began.

“Ron let me go today,” my dad said calmly. This didn’t make sense…let him go? As in fired? Why? We asked. “I forgot to run a proposal by him before I sent it to the client, and this is the second time I forgot,” he stated, ashamed and embarrassed. These statements, made ever so calmly, produced a pit in my stomach that I fell through so fast that this new information didn’t even sink in. That night, Dad took me to his office to pack up. The office where I used to go and raid the snack cupboard and print off school assignments and got my first email account. The office that had provided for our family for the past 10 years. We packed it up into our little Mighty Max pickup and left.

The last few weeks of school were dismal, as uncertainty and stress can be. We had to put our house up for sale; the mortgage payments were too big for a family whose only income was that of my mom’s, a seamstress. We had a large house because our family was so large when we moved to Iowa from Utah. I grew up there, but I wouldn’t reach 16 there, I wouldn’t have pool parties or go swimming by myself there. Sure, we didn’t need all the space since I was the only one left at home, but as we looked for a new (for us) and smaller house, I realized how lucky I had been, and how sucky this would be. We cleaned and painted and fixed, trying to keep a good attitude. I hoped so badly that we wouldn’t be able to sell the house—who buys a 40-year-old house with so many bedrooms?—as we hadn’t been able to on previous attempts. In the meantime, we took the 3-hour drive to Nauvoo about every other week to volunteer at the temple open house. Here was solace and peace. During these one or two day vacations, my mind got a break from the turmoil and uncertainty and I got to sit on the portico of the temple, giving service to those thousands of people who got to share in the peace of the temple with me. During this time, prayers were given; we (grudgingly) asked to sell the house; for Dad to find a new job; for hope, and a good attitude. It was working, and all our prayers were answered—eventually. While at Especially for Youth (a church-sponsored youth conference) in June, I got the phone call that we had sold our house. Yay! I said, and Crap! I thought. The catch? We had to be out of the house in three weeks. When I got home from EFY, the craziness began. We started packing in earnest, throwing away all non-essentials, as we would probably be moving to a house less than ½ the size of our current one. Ward members came and helped pack for days at a time. We set up a garage sale to make some money off of our junk, and to get it carried away for free. With the objects we got rid of, memories were tossed out as well. We had to sell the kitchen table and chairs that I had carved pumpkins at and done homework on. My mom had to sell her precious antiques: a Victorian fainting couch; a wooden filing cabinet; a foldout desk; a spinning wheel; an old schoolhouse desk. The long family room couch with the hide-a-bed had to go too, as did the living room and parlor couches. All sold, with memories attached, to people who would never know the treasure trove of stories they had. Sure, furniture is furniture. But memories can make the dingiest chair seem like a throne or the nicest couch seem like a fortress. After we sold the house and while we were scrambling around trying to pack and get rid of things, we had to find a new place to live—in two weeks. We looked at several houses before finding one that seemed nice and big and ready for us to move in. The week before we turned over the memory filled house, we started cleaning and moving into the new one. It was only then that we realized the house wasn’t quite as big and ready as it seemed. The kitchen was 1/5 the size of our old one, and both bathrooms could fit in my parents’ old master bathroom. Both bathrooms also needed remodeling, the kitchen needed painting, all the carpet had to be replaced (especially in my room—it was pink), walls had to be painted, windows needed fixing or replacing—the list went on and on. But our prayers for patience and good attitudes were answered, at least at this point. We sang as we made the house ready to live in, and had fun decorating a new place. The fact that we would soon never go back to the old house had not sunk in. The final day came. The house was empty, and my sister and I decided to sleep there one last time. We put down sleeping bags in the living room, and went to sleep. In the morning, we had one last nostalgia-filled tour. We started in the living room, where we had slept. This was the room where countless nativity plays had been carried out at Christmas; where I had spent hours upon hours practicing on the piano; where I and my friends and siblings had made a fortress out of the couch by inverting the cushions. This was the room that Jon-Jon, the neighbor boy, had written my name on the wall and pretended that I had done it. But now the piano was in the new house, and the couch had been sold, along with the memories it stored, to a woman who could never appreciate what it was. Next to the living room was the dining room. This room was filled with Sunday dinners and birthday parties. Then we went through the sliding pocket door into the kitchen.

The kitchen, as the nucleus of the home, held undoubtedly the most memories. Thousands of cookies had been baked here, many pumpkins carved, and hundreds of friends made. The kitchen is where Joy School had been held. It was where we first put our new, Windows 3.0 computer. My sister and I had had a flour fight here, leaving a fine layer of flour coating all the surfaces in the kitchen, white footprints in the hall and on the trampoline.

Next was the family room, home to Valentine’s, Christmas, and movie parties. The comfy old brown couch was gone, along with the fish tank. Then the parlor, where we had picnics by the fire in the winter, Christmas mornings opening presents, and Family Home Evenings. Soon the realtors came, and turned our house over to someone else.

Don’t get me wrong, we were blessed in this process. The new house was cheap enough that my parents were able to pay off our entire mortgage—and you have to be thankful for the absence of a housing payment when you have practically no income. We also received tons of support from ward members and friends, and the new neighborhood likes us much better than the old did—they were probably glad to see us go, along with our used cars and less-than-perfect back yard. Looking back, I see that this all was an act of God. I was humbled, taught many lessons, and my parents were able to get out from under the financial strain that big old house had been.

The next few months were busy and stressful, spent trying to unpack and remodel while my parents had callings to the Stake Young Women’s presidency and High Council. We also continued with plans made before the event that had set all of this craziness off. I started high school that fall, my mom got a job at Wal-Mart, and my dad looked for a job. It would take my dad a 1 ½ years to get someone to hire him—not many companies see longevity in a 65 year old, regardless of experience. I still drive by the old house at times, and think about the good times I had there. I will always remember the flour fight my sister and I had in the kitchen, and jumping on the trampoline in the back yard in the summer. And I’ll always remember “that summer.”

here's part of another one:
Although I was compelled to write in elementary by my teachers, I am so grateful now that I did write. The younger the mind, the better the imagination—a child’s mind has yet to be restricted by science, history, and experience. Anything can happen in the writings of a 6 year old. The few writings I did that have survived to today are of such value to me because they show me my imagination and personality as a child. One such story that I wrote, “Mr. Chick,” was about a group of baby chickens that conspire against a farmer and scare him away with a blow-up chicken. There was a sequel to that story, complete with a second villain and illustrations. Another story was called “The Ghost,” and it was real fancy because it folded out into the long shape of a ghost. This story was about a poor ghost who tried to scare children as they trick-or-treated, but they outsmarted him. To get them back, he changed himself into a toothbrush, substituted for their teacher in school the next day, and turned them all into apples. A ghost that turns itself into a toothbrush to get revenge on little kids and turns them into apples? The extent of my young mind will never cease to amaze me; some people are able to hold on to their imagination throughout life while still grasping the realities of life, but I have not been able to do that. Since restrictions have been placed on my imagination, these short, funny writings mean the world to me as they bring back memories of a time when I could imagine anything.

good times.

been a long while

2008-10-10T14:54:00.000-06:00

i can't believe how long its been since i last wrote. i'm such a horrible procrastinator. in fact, its been so long that i dont even know what to write. and i'm not even sure if i want to make this a blog type thing or a journal or what. anywho for the time being i guess i'll just summarise whats happened the last couple months. three months in fact.

july and august were kind of boring, to be honest. i got a job as a custodian at the RB. sometimes i cleaned the gyms, but most of the time i was stuck in the hot and steamy pool area, cleaning the tiles. i guess the good thing was that i got to listen to all the music i had missed for 2 years, and was able to sing as loud as i wanted. some people laughed but i dont care what they say, i'm in love with you; they try to pull me away but they dont know the truth. my heart's crippled by the vein that i keep on closin'...you cut me open.

anywho. i went on my first post-mission date towards the end of july. it was a double date with my roommate, phil. my date's name was grace and we went to the creamery and then to the new batman movie, dark knight. it was a lot of fun (although i was still awkward from being fresh off a mission) and it was a good first date.

before i go on, let me briefly adress the "awkward" issue. you know i really didnt think it would be that hard for me to adjust to regular life, but it was! i quickly got used to wearing regular clothes and listening to regular music, but actions were much harder. to get used to being on your own, to get used to being alone with girls, to get used to being able to be close to girls! these were all much harder. in fact, when i first started working at the RB, this pretty girl offered me a ride home and i wouldn't take it! just cuz i was used to saying no to stuff like that on my mission. i also found that when sitting--anywhere--when a girl would sit next to me, i would sit as far away from her as possible, unconsciously. i would only notice a while later. i think i've gotten over that one--hopefully!

anyway. now lets talk about roommates. this summer there was me, phil, and spencer. me and phil got along well but well for some reason spencer slept in the living room all the time and there were dirty dishes and nail clippings and...it was kinda gross. now theres me and phil, plus brandon and john. we get along well and its going to be a good semester.

phil and i did a fun double date in august. it was called "italiano notte"--italian night. we made manicotti, listened to big band music, danced, and watched "roman holiday." it was a lot of fun.

since school started, i've been on a "dating rewards program" set up by my parents. basically, for every 7 dates i go on, i get a reward. like this weekend the reward is a nice dinner at bombay house. yummmm. anyway its been really good to go on a lot of dates (this weekend will be 10) to figure out what i'm looking for in a girl, i guess.

lets see...school. i'm taking biology 100, history 201 (beginning of time to 1400 ad), turkish, doctrine and covenants, world dance, and folk dance. my favourites are definitely world and folk dance. in fact, tomorrow morning (oh actually in 8 hours), we (the folk dance team) perform in the homecoming parade. we are doing an indian dance and an american dance. hopefully it will go well and be a lot of fun! its been weird to be back here at byu and not have things the same as they were my freshman year. AND to not have the same people here (like mary). but i really love BYU and the atmosphere and the strength it is to my spirit.

nowadays i work at the library as a custodian again, but now i'm a "detailer." this means i get paid more than regular custodians ($9.21) but i have to work alone for about 4 hours per night scrubbing floors and walls, scraping sinks and "trick-or-treating" in "fe-mail" boxes. (aka taking bloody tampons out of those gross boxes in the stalls.)

ok time to end cuz now i'm just babbling. ok, tarra a bit, duck!

2008-07-20T01:24:00.001-06:00

finally here

2008-07-08T02:09:00.000-06:00

well i finally made it here. to provo. to southridge--my new flat. i have to say that when mom and i walked in this afternoon, i was disappointed. its kind of small, kinda dingy, kinda...not what i had hoped for. however, i am pretty sure it will be fine. :-)

so since i last wrote. we went to salt lake...then on saturday and sunday we were in arbon/pocatello for diane and claude's 50th wedding anniversary. i hope i get to be married that long! it was good to be with dad's side of the family again and to talk to them a bit and get to know them a bit. saturday night i rode home with collin and jenny and they treated me to arctic circle and i also found out that when collin got home from his mission, sherene told him the best way to get normal again was to have a NCMO!! haha i couldn't belive it!

sunday mom and i drove back to salt lake and got to see a concert by the sister missionaries on temple square. it was pretty good and the spirit was strong. we also got to walk around temple square a bit and that was really good.

today we ran some errands, and even got to eat lunch at Hires Big H! yummmm its a great hamburger place. then we left for provo and there was a HUGE traffic jam so it took forever but we finally got here. i got checked in , met my roommates (there are 2--spencer and phil), some people helped bring my stuff in, and mom and i dashed off to walmart to get some essentials before she went back to salt lake. after that i unpacked til about 8:30, scarfed some dinner, and went and met jimmy gillie on campus. we walked and talked for a while until we had interviews for a custodial job at the wilk. we were both surprised when we had actual interviews, as the last time we had been interviewed for a custodial job, it was more of a sign up session. but it (hopefully) went well and i should hear back soon if i'm hired. afterwards, i showed jimmy my apartment and then after he left i got to know my roommates a bit more...they seem pretty cool. spencer, my room roommate, lived in the cedar rapids stake up until 5 years ago! crazy, no? i knew i recognised him!!

anyway now i'm trying to figure out how to fix my itunes problem (it just freezes anytime i push play) and i need to go to bed...jimmy and i are going to the temple at 9:00 tomorrow...or today, that is!!!

ciao

back!

2008-07-03T13:50:00.000-06:00

ok. so. i've just gotten back from 2 years in ENGLAND! and i need to continue my journal writing. i'll start from when we got back to the united states...

mom and i stayed up all night in riga the night before we left. the taxis came at 5:30 am to pick us up and take us to the airport. i was so excited!! we got unloaded and into the looooooong line to check in. the guy that checked us in did not know what he was doing and almost made us get back in line but luckily someone helped us out. our flight was delayed in leaving because there was no crew for our plane!!! talk about budget airlines. anyway we finally left and arrived in vienna like an hour late. mom and i left the terminal and met ahmet (he's going to university there) and got to talk to him for about an hour. then it was back into the airport. we found our gate and boarded for our 10 hour flight to chicago! luckily our seats were comfortable and the plane wasn't completely full. we also had the luxury of seat-back monitors, several movies to choose from, and delicious food. yay for plane food. at one point on the flight i was getting my contacts out of the overhead compartment and i heard someone say "hey elder!" and i looked around but only had my glasses on (the prescription is old) and couldnt see anyone talking to me so i went back to getting my contacts out. then i heard it again! it turned out to be 2 sister missionaries returning from a mission to armenia! anyway the flight passed with little out of the ordinary. however, during all of our travels, we all reached the point of total exhaustion so that one second we would be awake and the next second it was an hour later! kind of like when i took the caffeine pills. once we got to chicago we had to go through customs and it was a good feeling to be back in the good old united states of america. we got our luggage, had nothing to declare, and re-checked it...however, when we got to the other terminal before security, we realised we weren't sure if we had picked up one of our bags! so dad went back and checked and couldn't get it or anything but was pretty sure someone had sent it on. our plane left chicago late as well, arriving in cedar rapids about an hour late. one cool thing that happened was when we were going to the 2nd terminal i randomly ran into joslyn siems!!! she was on her way to ireland. talk about coincedences!

i had feared no one would be there to welcome us home but was excited to see robert, melanie, jacob, joshua, and jonathan all waiting for us! jake and josh gave great bear hugs and it really was great to be home. luckily all of our luggage arrived as well! the drive home was fun as i rode with rob and mel and they told me all about the floods and tornadoes and all else that had changed in the last 2 years.

we stayed at matt's house that friday night (20 june) and then stayed at the swindler's from the 21st to july 2. our homecoming talks were the 22nd, and as i was getting ready i realised i had left my new white shirt at matt's! so i had to dash over there and finish getting dressed before i went to church. as i was going, i got lost--i completely forgot most of my cedar falls geography! i turned left on university ave off of college street and saw cop lights behind me. that was the last thing i needed!!!! anywho i pulled over. they asked for license, registration, insurance, etc. which i was luckily able to find. then they asked me some questions: "do you know why we pulled you over?" "not really [i hadn't been speeding]" "well are you from around here?" "yeah but i've been gone for 2 years" "well do you normally drive on the left side of the road???" and then i realised that my worst dreams of culture shock came true!!! i had driven all the way down college street on the left side of the road! they had thought i was drunk but luckily trusted me and only gave me a warning after i had explained i'd been in england for 2 years and driving for 8 months there. so they directed me to clay street, i got there, finished getting ready (i have to say i looked good in my new NEXT suit, purple tie, wide collar shirt, and cufflinks!) and zoomed off to church, arriving about 3 minutes before it started! yay. all of our talks went well and i had a bit of extra time but i filled it ok. sis. swindler also did a musical number called "shine on" and that was a great addition. the only fink i was sad about was the fact that none of my friends came. oh well. that afternoon i had my interview with the stake president (pres. johnson) and was released. how weird! it was good though. i'm still getting used to it... that night was our fireside and it was pretty good although the projector messed up our pictures a bit. my friend julie b. came and that was nice to have her support.

ever since then i've been busy with dentist/optometrist appointments, seeing friends (i got to spend time with julie, amanda, suzanne, kayla, and sarah), catching up with family (that was probably the best part), packing/sorting, and sturgis falls. oh and also reading harry potter 7! (great book) and listening to my old favourites of music and watching some movies that i'd missed. we were in cedar falls for about 10 days and it was really too short but great. we left july 2 for denver/utah/idaho/provo. we now drive a VW beetle and its nice but pretty small and its kinda a crazy car for people like us to drive. oh well! so now we're in denver at emily and drew's and having a good time. it is really good to see emily again, especially since she is my best sibling (like best friend). tomorrow we leave for utah/idaho and on monday i move into my new apartment. then i just need a job!

til later...